Parsing Bloomberg's Latest Mindfuck

Coy non-campaigns are fun, but this is ridiculous. Michael Bloomberg, clearly toying with us at this point, has a new statement on the "2008 Election" up on his site. It is, without exaggeration, a piece of absurdist writing to rival Ionesco. If we had any money to give away, we'd institute a prize for parsing it. Here it is, complete with our helpless interjections:

"Last week when I was in Washington to discuss poverty in America, I was asked (again) whether I am running for President. As I've said before and I'll say again – I am not running."

DI: He is not running. Also, he is sick and tired of us (note the exasperated double use of "again").

"But, 'Are you running?' is the wrong question."

DI: Oh no, here we go.

"The question should not be about politics, but about leadership. Not who is the best candidate, but who will be the best President."

DI: And that would be … you? Are we allowed to be exasperated, too?

"The country faces very real and very big challenges: creating growth in a global economy, fighting terrorism, meeting our energy needs, tackling global warming, and reforming public education."

DI: If only someone were doing all that right now … WAIT A MINUTE — that's what YOU'VE been doing!

"We need solutions that are innovative and bold, not superficial half-steps that are driven by politics, partisanship, or special interest campaign contributions. We need real solutions that honestly address the big challenges we face as a nation. For too long, the American people have been served up empty promises based on what politicians think we want to hear. It's time for something real."

DI: Wait, are YOU going to give us something real? Something honest?

"That's our challenge as a nation. That's what this upcoming campaign needs to be about."

DI: Oh, okay. You're not.

"And these are the issues and challenges that I will continue to address."

DI: Can somebody please punch this man?

Mike Discusses 2008 Election [Mikebloomberg.com]