We read in the Times yesterday that the financial district is so dead at night, most people who move there experience instantaneous buyer’s remorse. Not club impresario Amy Sacco, whom we ran into at Saturday’s Cinema Society screening of Things We Lost in the Fire and who will be moving into her new condo in the District, the luxury development on Ann Street she consulted on, this spring. She thinks the financial district is just fabulous! Of course, as with most people involved in the real-estate trade, when Sacco says one thing, she really means another. Since we have a lot of experience with these things — hello! We’ve been renters for our entire adult life! — we were able to translate her Realtorspeak, and really, practically read her mind.
“The building is so gorgeous.”
Translation: I have a major stake in this place, so I am only saying nice things about it and the neighborhood, okay?
“I want to move in right now; I’m, like, claustrophobic in my place.”
My closet is bigger than your entire apartment, loser.
“I’m doing a steakhouse with Steven Starr down there. So I figure I’ll call downstairs and I’ll get my room service from, you know, the steakhouse.”
Since there isn’t another restaurant within a six-block radius.
The condo will also have a gym, a spa, and a salon. “Talk about in-house services!”
The people who live in the building will have to use these amenities, because there is nothing at all near this place. NOTHING AT ALL.
“I can’t wait!”
If I can pull this off, I am going to be so rolling in it it’s not even funny.
“They have this machine, like this [gestures with hands, holds them up] on the wall, that’s got like a little keypad. And you can push Fresh Direct, and you can order food off your intercom!”
Intercom = no doorman.
The building will also have rooftop cabanas. “I’ll be in the cabana with my laptop. That’s going to be my new office. I’m not going back to my office! Are you kidding me? Not when I saw the wading pool, the showers, and the bamboo. I’m like, forget it.”
Once they start building that new “transit hub” a block over on Fulton Street, getting in and out of this neighborhood will be a nightmare for like eight years. People will have to stay home all day, eating from my steakhouse and going to my spa. And then I’ll really be rolling in it! Hahahahahahahahhahaa. — Bennett Marcus