Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the randy Sonic Toothbrush user: male, 33, East Village, straight in a yearlong relationship.
7:45 a.m.: My girlfriend wakes me up. The alarm never went off; we are both incredibly late for work. I still have the presence of mind to reach out and give a lil’ titty squeeze. She’s a Columbia student who just turned 21 and may be the only person on the planet who digs drinking and fucking more than I do.
8:30 a.m.: On the subway. A gaggle of giggling, jiggling, Catholic schoolgirls gallop by. I remind myself that I am not a pedophile.
10 a.m.: Get dirty look from Latina lovely for openly gawking at her camel toe. Fuck her! If she doesn’t want people to stare she shouldn’t wear pants that make her lap look like it’s smuggling a yo-yo.
1 p.m.: Half a hard-on, out of nowhere.
5:10 p.m.: On the train home. I start to sport a wood while reading an article about Jennifer Love Hewitt in Entertainment Weekly. I look up and instantly go flaccid. The subway system is chock-full o’ fatties.
6:58 p.m.: Sit on couch, crack a beer, go to YouPorn.com. Watch a two-minute film Fucked in Ass by Machine, and proceed to laugh my balls off
7:02 p.m.: Still on YouPorn. I upshift and come in a paper towel. Then I wash hands and start dinner; the girlfriend will be here any minute.
10:30 p.m.: My girlfriend strips down to her pink G-string and lies down on the bed to read. Happy, wholesome thoughts prance innocently through my mind.
10:40 p.m.: The phone rings; it’s my girlfriend’s roommate. Realizing this may be the closest I’ll ever get her into a three-way, I attack and go down on her while she’s on the phone.
10:55 p.m.: Sex, hurray!
11:15 p.m.: Sleep, hurray!
7:20 a.m.: I wake up and go to the bathroom. My girlfriend is there still dewy from the shower. She’s bent over, ass in the air drying off with a towel. Gosh, I LoveLust her!
8:05 a.m.: On the bus. It’s rainy and overcrowded. My girlfriend nuzzles me and puts her head sweetly on my shoulder. I start thinking about her freshly waxed “vageena.”
9:20 a.m.: I don’t know when leather pants became appropriate office attire for women, but I’m thankful.
1 p.m.: Reading Esquire. They name Charlize Theron the sexiest woman alive. I Google Image her boobs. Me and my penis likey.
7:15 p.m.: My girlfriend surprises me with the DVD box set of Band of Brothers, “Just because.” We commence to a snugglin’. I really do LoveLust this girl.
10:45 p.m.: Just before I go to sleep my girlfriend gives me the gift that keeps on giving: head!
7:20 a.m.: Wake up with raging hard-on. No time to masturbate. Must get ready for work.
7:25 a.m.: In the shower. I do a quick cost-benefit analysis in my head and decide I can’t afford not to jerk off.
7:26 a.m.: I jerk off.
11:40 a.m.: I’m on hold with a client. The hold music is an elevator-style version of Nelly Furtado’s “I’m Like a Bird.” I reflect on how she used to be sweet, and now she’s just skanky. Inversely, Christina Aguilera used to be skanky, and now she’s kinda sweet. I get a hard-on and continue to hold.
6ish: At a bar, two JaegerBombs in. My friend Katy: “Any man who says he doesn’t like a finger in his ass once in a while is a liar. All men dig a little anal stimulation. That’s why they all like pooping so much.” (I really do like to pooping!)
7ish: At a bar. Hot chicks EVERYWHERE. They innocently sip their cocktails whilst in my mind I rigorously and thoroughly violate each and every one of them.
10ish: I tell my girlfriend about Katy’s theory of male anal stimulation. Her: “Wow, I can’t even remember the last time you tried to stick anything up MY butt.”
Me: ‘I don’t want to anymore, because now I love you.”
Her: “That makes no sense.”
Me: “Well. I am Italian”
8 a.m.: I wake up from a dream that was loosely based on the movie Stick It! I toss off and get ready for work.
2 p.m.: At a bar with my cousin:
Cousin: “So I’m totally into YouPorn.com now.”
Me: “See, I told you it rocks.”
Cousin: “Yeah, last night I worked myself over watching a video ‘Lessons in Anal Sex.”
3:30 p.m.: Me: “So instead of putting the vibrator on her, I put it on my tongue. It was like I discovered a whole new world. I felt like the Christopher Columbus of oral sex.”
Cousin: “You need to invest in a Sonicare toothbrush. It’s a world-class toothbrush, but it’s also a very specific and powerful vibrator. I love the fuckin’ thing. It cost like $120, but you can buy replacement heads for $12. I use it on my girlfriend, I use it on myself … super investment. When we get back to my apartment, I’ll show you.”
5 p.m.: At my cousin’s apartment. The toothbrush is pretty cool. Either that or I’m very drunk. Probably a little of both.
9 p.m.: My buddy’s band is playing at a midtown bar. I meet my girlfriend there. She’s by far the hottest girl in the place. I throw my tongue down her throat and count my blessings.
10 p.m.: We dance and sweat and laugh and sweat and drink and sweat some more. The whole time I have a massive chubby. It makes going to the bathroom awkward.
2 p.m.: The last thing I remember was passing out in a cab last night with my hand slung around my girlfriend’s shoulders and gripping her right breast. Now my girlfriend is waking me up and demanding bagels.
4 p.m.: I go to work at my second job as a waiter in an Italian joint in Times Square. I am completely spent. I see hot chicks, I think sexy thoughts, but my cock is like a limp log of play-doh. It mocks me with its squishy unresponsiveness.
11 p.m.: Fall asleep snuggling my girlfriend. She tries to initiate sexy time. I pass out.
11:30 a.m.: I wake up, naked, next to my naked girl friend. I attack her naked chocha like a naked wolverine taking down a naked, wounded gazelle.
11:34 a.m.: Having shot my load, I now concentrate on the important shit. I pop a beer, plop myself on my couch and prepare to spend the day watching football.
1 p.m.: Kickoff. My lady and I lounge in our robes and dig in to watch the Jets fall apart. Football is much more enjoyable when sitting on a couch next to a naked leggy lovely.
4:30 p.m.: Now she wants to screw. I try explaining to her that the Cowboys are playing the Patriots. She still wants to screw. I try explaining that both teams are 5-0. She still wants to screw. I try explaining to her that this is an historic match-up. Guess what? She still wants to screw.
5:15 p.m.: I agree to take a bubble bath with her, but only because I can DVR the game, thank you digital cable! I fart in the bathtub. Twice.
5:30 p.m.: Wrinkly and bubbly we run to the bedroom. She rides me slow and long like Debra Winger riding the mechanical bull in that movie Urban Cowboy. We come simultaneously and collapse. For some reason I whisper in her ear, “Every time we come at the same time, an angel gets its wings.”
7:35 p.m.: The Patriots are pulling away from the Cowboys. I Google the Sonicare toothbrush. The thing is like the Cadillac of dental health. Still, I’m not ready to drop $150+ on a toothbrush-vibrator combo. Yet, I dare to dream … maybe one day.
8:45 p.m.: We eat Chinese delivery naked. My girlfriend’s fortune: It could be better, but it’s enough. My fortune: The balding man asked his barber, “Why do you charge me full price?” We vow to never order from this place again. The snuggling portion of the evening begins.
2 p.m.: Watching SportsCenter. Begin to feel sexy. Jerk off into an old T-shirt.
9 p.m.: Fairly tipsy. Grab my girlfriend, grab a vibrator, turn the volume up on the Giants game, and work her for the better part of an hour.
1:15 a.m.: Go to sleep, naked, and snuggled up with my honey.
Total: Four acts of oral sex; two vibrator playdates; three public erections; two acts of masturbation; two acts of Googling for sexual images or paraphernalia; three acts of public lady ogling.