Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the Rabbit-Using Wannabe Slutty Secretary: female, 27, administrative assistant, Staten Island, straight.
9:45 p.m.: Meet up with friends for drinks at bar. Flirt with bartender and lean over bar so he can see my breasts. Get free drinks for my friends and me.
11:39 p.m.: Dance with a couple of my girlfriends. We spot some cute guys in the corner checking us out. Decide to give the guys a show and lock lips with one another. Watch guys’ jaws drop to the floor.
12:48 a.m.: Hook up with one of the cute guys checking us out earlier. Not too bright but an amazing kisser. Ask him if he wants to go back to his place. He says sure, but we have to be quiet so we don’t wake up his mother.
12:53 a.m.: I’m in a taxi heading home. Alone.
12:30 p.m.: Hung-over from last night. Watch the Puerto Rican parade on TV and see Ricky Martin with his shirt off. Aye Papi!
4:34 p.m.: Friend Angela calls. Proceeds to tell me about the amazing sex she had that morning with her new boyfriend, Henry.
8:48 p.m.: Ex-boyfriend calls. We chat for a while and end up having phone sex. Afterward he tells me that he’s involved with someone but would still like to see me for a booty call once now and again. Remembering why I broke up with him in the first place.
7:45 a.m.: Scan the ferry for and spot one cute guy. I smile at him. He smiles back. Girl sits down next to him and they kiss. Crap.
8:05 a.m.: Look for something to throw at the still-kissing couple. I’m mean when I’m single and horny.
2:10 p.m.: New cute guy at works passes by my desk and says hi. I contemplate a way to throw him down and have my way with him without getting fired. Does everyone in the office feel a twitter down below when he walks by, or just me?
7:50 a.m.: I grab a seat on the ferry deck outside. Guy next to me asks to borrow a pen. Then he asks for my number. I say no. We end up talking until the boat docks and we exchange e-mail addresses.
3:38 p.m.: I notice the new guy at work check out my breasts. I give him an “I caught you look” and he gets all red and scurries away.
4:14 p.m.: Guy I met on an online-dating Website two weeks ago e-mailed me. He wants to meet me in real life. We make plans for Thursday at lunch. I’m kind of excited.
7:45 p.m.: Tired and bored. Turn on TV. Pink’s “U+UR Hand” music video is on. I take her advice. I cum twice with help from my little friend, Mr. Rabbit.
1:17 p.m.: Walking to the post office on my lunch hour. Guy passes by and says, “Hey baby. Nice tits.” I don’t respond. What am I supposed to do to that? Glare? Smile? What?
6:28 p.m.: Taking the bus home. The ride is very bumpy and going really fast.
6:32 p.m.: I “get off.” This is what happens when you’re this horny.
6:33 p.m.: I smile at bus driver and say thank you.
9:45 p.m.: Karma Sutra is on HBO. Masturbate between sex scenes and wonder if that’s Naveen Andrews from Lost.
10 p.m.: Check end credits. It is.
12:45 p.m.: Meet guy I met online for lunch at Starbucks. We sit down, and after a few minutes, he proceeds to bitch about his ex-girlfriend and how much he misses her. Blah blah blah.
1:05 p.m.: Date goes into bathroom. I grab my purse and bolt out the door. Life’s too short.
2:13 p.m.: Check my e-mail. It’s the guy from Starbucks wanting to know what happened to me. I delete his e-mail without replying. I’m still mean.
4:19 p.m.: A woman at work winks at me. Am I giving off some kind of lesbian vibe now?
6:38 p.m.: Meet friend Maggie for drinks after work. She thinks her girlfriend is cheating on her. I offer to kick her girlfriend’s ass and hope she doesn’t take me up on the offer. Her girlfriend is bigger than me and kind of insane.
9 p.m.: Mr. Rabbit. Again. It’s amazing that he can keep up.
9:30 a.m.: My office is having a staff meeting. Seriously bored. Practice my Kegel exercises and fantasize about new guy ripping my underwear off and banging me on top of my desk.
7:49 p.m.: Taking salsa class. Having trouble with turns. Extremely hot Latin instructor takes me in his arms to show me how to move. Barely restrain lustful shudder.
9:51 p.m.: I’m totally exhausted. I check my e-mail, and the guy I met on the ferry left me a flirty yet funny e-mail. I write him back an equally funny yet witty e-mail. Everyone knows that these e-mails take hours to write, right?
10:15 p.m.: Ferry guy IMs me, and we chat for over an hour. He tells me he wants to meet up this weekend. I tell him anywhere but Starbucks.
Total: 1 act of making out with a dim-witted mama’s boy; 5 acts of masturbation; 1 act of phone sex; 1 act of date-and-escape.