Today's "Rush & Molloy" reminds us, as if we could forget, that some poor lady had to wax Christopher Hitchens's balls this year. This, we have noticed, is the most well-publicized hair removal since Britney took hold of a razor in a prison-grade beauty salon. Nay, since John Smith nearly got scalped by Powhatan in Roanoke, Virginia, in 1607. So needless to say, we wanted to get it over with already and read what Hitchens had to say about the experience, but Rushmo left us hanging. Vanity Fair posted a photo slideshow of the affair on their Website (don't worry, it's blessedly G-rated), and even they left out his description. But today we finally got our six-pound copy of Vanity Fair, and read it for ourselves. So here, for your enjoyment, horror, and titillation, is what Christopher Hitchens had to say about the dreaded "Crack, Back and Sack" Maneuver:
I had no idea it would be so excruciating. The combined effect was like being tortured for information that you do not possess, with intervals for a (incidentally very costly) sandpaper handjob. The thing is that, in order to rip, you have to grip. A point of leverage is required; a place that can be firmly gripped and pulled while the skin is tautened
The impression of being a huge baby was enhanced by the blizzards of talcum powder that followed each searing application. I swear that several times [J Sister waxer Janea Padilha] soothingly said that I was being a brave little boy Meanwhile, everything in the general area was fighting to retract itself into my body
By this stage, I thought I could tell we were drawing agonizingly near to the close [Ed: Hey, we're transcribing this! It isn't easy for us, either.], but I was wrong. Boy was I ever wrong.
You ladies will know what I mean by the stirrup position, which I was now unceremoniously instructed to assume. That's to say, I braced one leg up while Ms. Padilha braced the other. And she does this for a living. To be [a dentist Hitchens previously visited for the article] and to spend every day up to your elbows in other people's oral cavities would be tough enough. But this … And wait: surely you can't be serious about putting Oh Jesus. I was overwhelmed by a sudden access of lava-like agony, accompanied by the vertiginous sensation that there was no there there.
Okay, okay, we can't go any further. But that's pretty much the whole episode. Needless to say, the phrase "sandpaper handjob" has now forever entered our vocabulary, replacing "the crack, back and sack wax" as the grossest thing we've ever imagined a fat man receiving.