Spitzer’s Mind Reading ‘Reading Spitzer’s Mind’

spitz
He's no John Malkovich, but… Photo: Photo Illustration: Everett Bogue;
Photos: Corbis (marionette), WireImage (Spitzer)


Hey, look, a novelty column in the Daily News, written as if the columnist were inside my head. Michael Goodwin’s the author. Don’t like the look on him. He’s probably 80 by now. These things always come with a photo of the author from 30 years ago. I’ve seen Mort Zuckerman in real life. Please.

I see what he’s going for there. “Reporters write vicious lies about me, then parrot them to the gullible public and ask what they think. The polls just say what the reporters want them to say.” Well, yeah. Except I wouldn’t have phrased it like this. I actually know things about polling methodology and rating bias and the 95 percent confidence level and the like. I went to Princeton and Harvard. This banner ad — can I make it stop moving?

“The immigrant groups will get over the license thing. They’re going to be doubly pissed when they hear I’m bailing out on them.” Wait, so is it one or the other? Is he trying to convey my waffling? Am I waffling? No. I’m not. All sane people will understand that the initiative, while perfectly logical, was beginning to hurt Hillary. As for the morons who think this is a security issue, they're not my base anyway and never were.

At least there’s no NASCAR joke. Damn, I wish I were at NASCAR right now.

Oh, goody, here comes the Bruno part. “The feds were crawling all over me like lice.” Why is this guy making me sound like Tony Soprano? No, seriously, here I am on Darren Dopp: “When there’s trouble, somebody goes overboard, and it’s not the boss. Little heads must roll … He should be grateful. I made him.” Oh, and: “I gave my Human Rights agency to the gays so they can push their marriage stuff. I own them.” (I do not own any gays.) And: “The unions owe me.” Jesus Christ.

Kanye West’s mom is dead? Bummer.

I guess this is all part of the “steamroller” fallout. Scream something silly once for emphasis and people will imagine your internal monologue to be a collection of ball-scratching alpha-gorilla clichés for the rest of your life. I guess it’s something I have to live with. Okay, I don't have the time for this. What’s Goodwin landing on? Me bad-mouthing Bloomberg. “What a putz.” Oh, right, ha-ha, because I’m a Jew. Nice one, Goodwin. An Ellis Island name if I ever heard one.

Oh, wow, I can lease a 2008 Pilot for $279 a month!
Michael Idov

Reading Spitzer’s Mind [NYDN]