We were delighted by Tuesday’s news that Paris Hilton’s first major humanitarian effort involved encouraging people to stop making alcohol available to a roving gang of binge-drinking elephants in India. Given Paris’s countless inarticulate, heavy-lidded avowals that she would devote her post-prison life to charitable work, it seemed poetic than one of Hollywood’s most visible drunk party animals would gravitate to staging an intervention for actual drunk animals. Tragically, her publicist debunked the rumor, but it was too late: We were already reminiscing about the Summer of Legal Shenanigans, wondering how the midterm report cards of our favorite famous celebrity miscreants would look — and whether, as they promised, things are going to be different this time.
Paris Hilton: We’re heartbroken that Paris wasn’t really embracing the synergy between her hobbies and those of moonshine-swilling elephants. But we’re no stranger to feeling disappointment with her. Free Paris still does an awful lot of clubbing and shopping, seemingly in place of traveling to the poverty-stricken lands she keeps SAYING she’s going to visit (although her first target, Rwanda, may prefer that she keep up the empty jawing so they don’t actually have to deal with her). At least Paris now gives better lip service to the concept of philanthropy, seems to have dropped “hottt” from her vocabulary, and claims she’s no longer shallow enough to continue with The Simple Life. Which is plenty charitable toward those of us with TVs. C+.
Nicole Richie: Nicole is no longer the pot-smoking bad girl who drove the wrong way down the freeway — albeit it was a transformation aided and abetted by a fetus with no tolerance for shenanigans. Since chatting with Diane Sawyer alongside baby-daddy Joel Madden and then spending 45 minutes in jail for said vehicular drama, Nicole commendably has barely opened her mouth — but is bedeviled by rumors that, when she does, she sticks a cigarette in it. But we’re inclined to blow those off given how surprisingly straitlaced Madden seems to be, and frankly, we’re just happy Nicole is eating carbs and leaving us all in peace. B.
Lindsay Lohan: When the WGA strike ends, we’re running right out to pitch a rehab soap, 28 Days of Our Lives, inspired by the gossip swirling around LiLo’s Cirque Lodge stint. Slacking on bathroom duty to have illicit sex in a stall, hooking up with a married rocker, and breaking up the engagement of a professional snowboarder are just a few of the allegations she racked up during her summer vacation — which also included a ballyhooed reconciliation with her rageaholic turned reverend father. Still, there hasn’t been a whiff of scandal since Lindsay got out; if she would just return to being a redhead, we could pretend the whole ugly derailment of her life never happened. A-.
Britney Spears: When we’re talking about a woman whose behavior has deteriorated since the time she shaved her head, attacked a parked car with an umbrella, and cleaned up dog poop with a Zac Posen dress, do we even need to pretend that she might get a passing mark? If a Z existed, we’d give it to her, but alas, Britney can only earn a solid F. —The Fug Girls