Ladies and gentlemen: A specter is haunting America. A dangerous, alien species has infiltrated our lives and settled in our homes, and it is hell-bent on taking over the world and destroying our great society. What?, you say, where? Well. Bill O'Reilly will tell you: It's the machines. According to O'Reilly, who it seems smoked a serious amount of pot before writing his latest column, even though they have made it really, really easy to do your Christmas shopping and get directions, our computers are turning America into a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. "The Internet has broken all boundaries," he says, and the most at risk, of course, are the children. There are naked children everywhere! Why? "The machines that now dominate their lives has changed their thinking patterns," O'Reilly says, and society is becoming — nay, has already become — "a high-tech Lord of the Flies, a free-for-all of destructive behavior driven by millions of innocuous-looking machines that sit openly in family rooms all across the country." What can we do about this pox upon the land? Fortunately, America has one weapon that can take on the machines, one set of heroes strong enough to fight progress: crazy, cranky, cable news personalities.
Most Viewed Stories
There Are Pictures of Justin Bieber’s Big Penis on the Internet
The Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast Takes Their 40th-Anniversary Reunion Photo
Selena Gomez Reveals She Has Lupus, Underwent Chemotherapy
Get to Know Matt Jackson, the 23-Year-Old Who Is Killing Everyone on Jeopardy
The Brutal Economics of Being a Yoga Teacher
Ben Carson Has Absolutely No Idea What the Debt Limit Is
American Horror Story: Hotel Premiere Recap: The Bed Bugs Bite
The Paradox of the First Black President
Florida Settles With Families of Teens Who Died Shortly After Their Principal Hypnotized Them
Amy Schumer’s Saturday Night Live Promos Document the Exact Moment the Backlash Started
Latest News from Daily IntelligencerBen Carson Tries to Top Himself, Blames Holocaust on Gun Control
It’s a popular theory, though it’s been repeatedly debunked.More Clues that Joe Biden Is Definitely, Maybe Running for President
His team met with the DNC to learn about election rules.How the Right Is Reacting to the House Leadership Crisis
Some don’t mind the chaos because “electing McCarthy was the real worse scenario.”Who’s Going to Be the Next House Speaker?
Note: Only a handful of people on this list actually want the job.Donald Trump Has at Least One Very Enthusiastic Hispanic Supporter
"Is this a setup?"Weird Accessories Are Fine; Grabbing Women Is Not
In case you were wondering.Republicans Are Calling Their Party a ‘Banana Republic.’ It's More Like a Failed State.
Truly, no one is running the party that controls the legislature of the world's most powerful country.Republicans Scramble to Find Anyone (Qualified) Who Wants to Be House Speaker
The House leadership election has unsurprisingly been postponed.Will Democrats Elect the Next GOP Speaker?
Kevin McCarthy's stunning withdrawal may bring about the unprecedented.Pluto Has Water, Too (of Course, It’s Frozen)
More interplanetary good news from our thirst-quenching solar system.
Spencer Stone is reportedly in "stable condition."Oklahoma Reportedly Used Wrong Drug in Execution Where Inmate Yelled, ‘My Body Is on Fire’
It took Charles Warner 18 minutes to die.33 Still Unaccounted for in Wake of Kunduz Hospital Bombing
“One of our doctors died on an improvised operating table — an office desk — while his colleagues tried to save his life.”Ben Carson Once Bravely ‘Redirected’ a Gunman to Someone Else
"I just said, 'I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.'"Dams Fail Across South Carolina As Floodwaters Kill 19
The state is still grappling with the fallout from the historic rainfall.George H.W. Bush’s Diet Includes a Healthy Dose of Fox NewsFueled 2016 Rage
“I notice he’s not watching ‘CSI’ reruns anymore."FIFA Suspends President Sepp Blatter and Two Other Top Executives
"The rot in the FIFA leadership is so extensive."U.S. Government Wants to Know: Why Does ISIS Only Drive Toyotas?
When Toyota adopted the tagline "Let's go places," presumably they didn't mean the 11th century.Officer Who Tackled James Blake Should Be Fired, Panel Says
A return volley from a review board says Officer Frascatore used "excessive force" during the arrest.Russia Continues to Frustrate Everyone (Except Assad) in Syria
Vladimir Putin seems determined to make everything much more complicated in the Middle East.