Ladies and gentlemen: A specter is haunting America. A dangerous, alien species has infiltrated our lives and settled in our homes, and it is hell-bent on taking over the world and destroying our great society. What?, you say, where? Well. Bill O’Reilly will tell you: It’s the machines. According to O’Reilly, who it seems smoked a serious amount of pot before writing his latest column, even though they have made it really, really easy to do your Christmas shopping and get directions, our computers are turning America into a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah. “The Internet has broken all boundaries,” he says, and the most at risk, of course, are the children. There are naked children everywhere! Why? “The machines that now dominate their lives has changed their thinking patterns,” O’Reilly says, and society is becoming — nay, has already become — “a high-tech Lord of the Flies, a free-for-all of destructive behavior driven by millions of innocuous-looking machines that sit openly in family rooms all across the country.” What can we do about this pox upon the land? Fortunately, America has one weapon that can take on the machines, one set of heroes strong enough to fight progress: crazy, cranky, cable news personalities.