In 1978, before we knew we really like boys, we had the mad hots for our bubbly 13-year-old babysitter, Lisa, who rocked gym shorts, knee-length Jox socks, and two perfect, feathered brunette wings over her forehead. But why did we really worship her? Because she was a dead ringer for Valerie Bertinelli, that spunky Italian nymphette who, back then, played youngest daughter Barbara on One Day at a Time. (Today, she duels with Kirstie Alley in those Jenny Craig commercials.)
So, in this new NY1 clip, when our (sometimes) bubbly, openly lesbian City Council speaker Christine Quinn said that she likes to chill out by watching Lifetime flicks starring the adult, still-perky Val, we knew just what she was talking about: "Anything with Valerie Bertinelli is usually a good show because there are struggles," said Quinn, who also did the usual dodge of the usual probe into her mayoral ambitions. "They are strong women, and it usually ends on an up note."
Oh, come on, Chris. Stop talking in that family-friendly code. We know that your adolescent, pre-out-and-proud, pre-power-consolidating self was reduced to total, quivering sapphic jelly at the sight of sexy Val — and that modern-day Speaker Quinn probably still is (even if Rachael Ray, who's kind of a younger, more annoying Valerie Bertinelli, very likely steams your tilapia a bit more). Oh, and don't think that we couldn't read into this little coda: "A Nancy McKeon movie is a good one, too."
Chris, everyone knows that Nancy McKeon, as butchy, wrong-side-of-the-tracks Jo on The Facts of Life, was the lust object of every budding femme lesbian in America. We're on to your little tween fetishes that you've carried into adulthood and right into the Speaker's seat. You are so, so busted. Um, anyway, that's all. You can go back to not focusing on running for mayor now. —Tim Murphy