Elisha Nelson Manning was a Seinfeld fan who walked around his high school quoting lines from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, the Daily News, which got ahold of his yearbook, tells us today. Which backs up our earlier point: Eli is way too geeky to score with a cheerleader, but it turns out he could have scored with a certain type of lady, like the Post's Andrea Peyser, who writes an uncomfortably pornographic love letter to the quarterback in today's Post. "I WANT me some Eli," she writes. "When it comes to men, there is no competition. Eli Manning is New York's new super stud — an 'aw shucks, ma'am' hottie with jug ears, an infectious grin, and immaculate breeding to go along with his fast hands and field smarts." Fortunately, Peyser went to high school far away from, and about 45 years before, Manning, and thus was never able to sully him with her fast hands. But reading these two pieces in tandem, a brief vision of what might have happened if they had met in high school came, unbidden, into our brains…
Eli: Hey, Andrea.
Andrea: Hey, Eli
Eli: Did you hear last night's Deep Thought? "If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic." Ha!
Andrea : Your prepubescent high-pitched laughter is so cute! I want to grab you by your jug ears and have you rub your fast hands all over my pigskin.
Andrea: WHAT'S MY NAME, BITCH!
We really need to stay away from those American Pie movies. And, uh, Andrea Peyser.