Examining Our First Fashion Week Survival Kit

Peroni
Our Peroni Fashion Week survival kit. Photo: Everett Bogue

Today, publicists for Peroni Italian Beer, a sponsor of Fashion Week, sent us a very generous survival kit to help us make it through the coming two weeks. It included a lot of useful things that will keep us feeling healthy enough and looking unhealthy enough to fit right in at the tents at Bryant Park. But some of the objects had us scratching our heads. What on earth, for example, do we need a gift certificate to a spa in Miami for? Below, we've divided the contents of the kit into two categories: things that we know the uses for and things that, well, we're not quite as sure about.

Thanks, guys! This will really help!
1 tube deluxe body crème [For feeling soft while we look sharp.]
1 packet Emergen-C [For energy.]
1 pack Peroni mints [Because try as we might, we always end up having to talk to people.]
2 packets Advil [Since the above effort always gives us a headache.]
1 emery board [To sharpen our talons, of course.]
1 box TipToes [Well, we're certainly not going to be wearing flats.]

6 clothespins [Not for us; for a friend.]
1 Singer sewing kit [Because maybe if we all help, Marc will start on time this year.]
Hair elastics [To lend to Jessica Stam.]
1 tube Airborne [We've seen where that girl has been.]
1 roll Charmin-to-Go [Have you used the Port-a-Potties there?]
1 pair hand warmers [Because some of us smoke cigarettes.]
1 vial Sally Hensen nail hardener [Because some of us smoke cigarettes.]
1 bottle Febreze-to-Go [Because some of us smoke cigarettes.]
1 box extra-long Peroni matches [To light some bitch's hair on fire.]

Wait, what are you implying?
1 vial of Visine
1 packet Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief
2 Band-Aids
1 pack Kleenex
1 big tube of StoPain pain-relief cream
1 lone tampon

Ah, Fashion Week: Looking your best when you're behaving your worst.