Last night, Vanity Fair astrologer Michael Lutin did something that nobody has yet been able to do sufficiently: He explained Hillary Clinton. The secret to Clinton's murky, buttoned-up, hypercompetitive personality is centered upon one simple thing: She's a Scorpio. Wait, wait, wait, take this seriously for a minute. We're not usually into astrology or anything like that. Normally when we talk to someone about their zodiac sign, the person always ends up talking about the spiritual lives of animals or reincarnation or something cringe-worthy like that. But this guy Lutin is talking some sense! He explains:
• "The whole Congress-health care fiasco was a disaster, partly because Scorpios do lack subtlety when they have a goal."
• "Scorpios always have not only Plan B, but they usually have it figured out all the way up to Plan Z." [Ed: From now on, your Plan C is "Cry."]
• "In the end, foreign or domestic policies notwithstanding, Scorpio always turns out to be an issue of gender. "
• "When situations are dire, enterprises failing, businesses stalling, empires falling and extinction is right around the corner, Scorpios get turned on. Only they can walk right down into the Valley of the Lepers with bagels and cream cheese and think nothing of it."
• "It should come as no surprise that Hillary Clinton came out swinging after her defeat in Iowa. After all, it was in the stars: she is a Scorpio and Scorpio rules the instinct for survival. Scorpio also rules cockroaches. Did you ever try to spray or drown them? They can hold their breath and play dead until you walk out of the kitchen and turn out the light."
• "Hillary has a higher agenda to help her survive the worst bites, kicks, slaps and cuts. She knows she would rise up again in a brand new incarnation to make her betrayer serve her needs."
Oh. Well, never mind. This conversation about astrology ended like all the other ones, it seems.