Oh. My. GOD. Were you at Lauren Davis’s wedding to billionaire Andres Santo Domingo, on January 18? You know, it was held on Baru, the Colombian island off Cartagena owned by his family, and the papers were all calling it “the first real society wedding of the century.” No? Well. You didn’t miss anything because it sucked. First of all, did you know that Colombia is, like, dangerous? Yeah, well, it IS. We had to be driven everywhere in bulletproof cars accompanied by bulky, Spanish–speaking bodyguards. Plus, it was 400 degrees, and get this: There wasn’t any air-conditioning at the church. We were sitting across from Tinsley Mortimer, and we swear all of a sudden her entire face melted straight off into her lap. It was like Raiders of the Lost Ark or something. Afterward, everyone just flew out of the church like they were being released from a hostage situation.
They made everyone walk from the church to the reception. Three entire blocks. Seriously. In the end, Nina Garcia looked like she had lost another fifteen pounds. Then! At the reception, they had the gall to sit us next to Zani Gugelmann. Obviously, we had to switch our place cards, because after all we had been through, we figured we should at least do a little networking. We would have sat ourselves between Anna Wintour and Chelsea Clinton, but they were no-shows. So we had to settle for Barbara Bush and Ivanka Trump. Of course, this threw the entire room into confusion. You know that whole Paris Match, Hola and Hello crowd. Everyone’s like, Duuuuuuuh. Where do I sit? It’s like, Just sit down. God. Anyway, Lauren was a little upset about the mix-up, so don’t tell her it was us that switched the cards, okay? Gracias!