Oscar bigwigs released this year’s crop of nominees Tuesday, but after the flop that was the Golden Globes (the opening night of awards season), it’s tempting to ignore Hollywood’s annual self-congratulation spree and embrace a good old-fashioned orgy of shame. That’s right, the Razzie Awards! They beat Oscar to the punch Monday, naming their choices for 2007’s very worst. As ever, the race for the Golden Raspberry is as tight as Burt Reynolds’s face. We can’t contain ourselves! So, we won’t: Read on for our exuberant choices as to who stank up the screen the most.
Worst Supporting Actor Nominees: Orlando Bloom, Kevin James, Eddie Murphy, Rob Schneider, Jon Voight.
Not to ruin his moment, but we dispute Orlando’s inclusion: He looked smoking hot in Yet More Pirates of the Caribbean, and that’s truly the most supportive an actor can be. Chuck & Larry’s problems go way beyond poor Kevin James, and, let’s face it, there’s no way Rob Schneider was any worse in that than he is in anything else. That leaves Jon Voight in Bratz (oy) and Eddie Murphy as Mr. Wong in Norbit, another of those parts he hogs because he’s a whore for latex makeup. But it’s Voight’s Razzie to lose, if only because seeing his name next to the word “bratz” makes us want to crawl back into the womb.
Worst Supporting Actress Nominees: Jessica Biel, Carmen Electra, Eddie Murphy, Julia Ormond, Nicolette Sheridan.
Hopefully, Ms. Ormond will look up long enough from counting her I Know Who Killed Me slum money to appreciate being considered equal to a be-skirted Eddie Murphy. But does a track record count for nothing? It’s really Nicolette Sheridan, who we only hope got stuck in a trouser press in Code Name: The Cleaner, and Carmen Epic Movie Electra who belong in this category. After all, they’re not getting jobs for their acting. Still, we’re projecting Chuck & Larry’s Jessica Biel as the victor. If only because we can’t deal with the label “winner” being attached to Norbit, even when it’s an insult.
Worst Actress Nominees: Jessica Alba, Elisha Cuthbert, Diane Keaton, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, those four Bratz girls.
Keaton certainly deserves recognition for her frenetic turn in Because I Said So as the Neurotic Mom Who Can’t Grasp Them Crazy Interwebs and Also Falls Into a Cake. Twice. On the other hand, I Know Who Killed Me did include the two worst performances you saw all year, both by Lindsay Lohan. Her only hope is to pull a Denzel Washington and split the vote against herself. As for the others, we didn’t remember Cuthbert even made a movie and refuse to acknowledge Bratz further, leaving room for terminally wooden Jessica Alba to swoop in and claim the trophy. We only wish she’d brought her Fantastic Four invisibility to the moronic Good Luck Chuck.
Worst Actor Nominees: Nicolas Cage, Jim Carrey, Cuba Gooding Jr., Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler.
It’s hardly shocking that Jim “I Am a Serious Actor. No, REALLY” Carrey, Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, and Cuba Gooding Jr. made some hack-y missteps. And Nicolas Cage has spiraled downward past even Gooding Jr. when it comes to the quality of his post-Oscar work. But Cage’s projects barely matter; his terrible hair plugs alone ought to make him 2007’s Worst Actor, as he is not even particularly adept at acting like he has hair.
Worst Picture Nominees: Bratz, Daddy Day Camp, Lohan on the Stripper Pole, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Norbit.
We’re tempted to give the granddaddy of all Razzies to the fools who thought Adam Sandler and Kevin James would make a compelling fake-romantic duo, but ultimately we can’t resist LiLo as amnesiac-stripper twins, one of whom spontaneously loses her limbs. While we’re certain Bratz was a bobbleheaded blight (you didn’t think we saw it, did you?) and the others were just a series of desperate attempts to pay the mortgage, its many opportunities for film-review-headline puns alone make I Know Who Killed Me a clear lock. —The Fug Girls
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