Bruce Willis yelled, “I’ve abandoned my son!” four times while dining at Freemans with an exotic dancer the other night, then did shots with the bartender. Mick Jagger, Q-Tip, and Leonardo DiCaprio were all hanging out at Upstairs on Monday night. Kathleen Turner’s Crimes of the Heart castmates can’t tell if she’s drunk or just tired. The Observer’s Spencer Morgan “bitch slapped” Men’s Vogue writer Hudson Morgan at the Beatrice Inn, but they made up soon after. Matthew McConaughey’s chest is at the top of In Touch Weekly’s list of Top Ten hot chests. Jason Bateman and Ricky Schroder are not working on a screenplay of Silver Spoons, although that would be awesome.
Nicole Kidman says she’s looking forward to being pregnant because it will make her curvier. “I can’t ask for anything more except big boobs,” she said. Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem are getting serious. Chuck Schumer got blurbed by Hillary Clinton. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are secretly boring and unfunny. Members of Israel’s Likud party are “bound to be disappointed” that John McCain will be keeping his distance now from blonde lobbyist Vicki Iseman. The Knitting Factory may move to 14th Street. Tom Brady may drop trou for a Calvin Klein underwear. Diablo Cody is unimpressed with gossips’ “discovery” of topless pics she voluntarily posted on the Internet. Tiffany Dubin, daughter of former Sotheby’s owner Alfred Taubman, overheard a man she was dating making plans with another woman when he accidentally three-way-called her. Phillip Seymour Hoffman won an award for Worst Nude Scene for images of his “big, bare flabby ass” in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead. Ron Perelman donated $50 to New York-Presbyterian Hospital and Weill Cornell Medical College for a heart institute in the name of his ex-wife Claudia Cohen. Canadian Ashleigh Banfield knows more about America than American 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley. Rachael Ray cried after meeting one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls. Artie Lange is going to Iraq. Laurence Fishburne will play Thurgood Marshall on Broadway. Whoopi Goldberg can’t take that “L.A. bullshit” anymore.