Oh, hateful, rumormongering Internet. We go out for like an hour, and when we get back, the world has been turned upside-down. Okay. In case you were out having a boozy Friday-afternoon lunch, here is what happened: First Gawker reported that Mischa Barton was offered a part on Gossip Girl, the Greatest Show of Our Time. Then TV Guide, your trusted source for television news, was like, it's absolutely 100 percent true, and Mischa will be the role of "Georgina Sparks, a scheme queen who brings Serena's checkered past screaming into her present," which is pretty much awesome as well as, let's face it, the perfect and possibly only role for Mischa Barton, who was recently arrested for DUI and marijuana possession. But then! Us Weekly got all up in it and decreed Mischa won't be playing Georgina Sparks. Her agent turned down the role, they said, because apparently Keds ads are way more important to Mischa than the Greatest Show of Our Time, and who would date the gross boys if she was busy working?
TV Guide is checking its sources against this new information, but we trust Us implicitly, since they know everything. The only question in our minds is this: Who will be Gossip Girl's Valerie Malone? Our suggestions, after the jump.
Nicole Richie: Who needs Chicago? Pro: As a formerly heroin-addled rich girl, Nicole could make the character work even without acting, which is good because she probably can't. Con: Too L.A., and can she lose the baby weight?
Ellen Page: After the Oscars, indie darling decides to expand her range. Pro: Brings in that mid-twenties indie demographic. Con: Chirpy soundtrack follows her wherever she goes.
Hayden Pannetiere: Hayden is debauchery waiting to happen, and it's only a matter of time before they kill her off Heroes. Pro: There would finally be a reason for her to be in the tabloids. Con: Is she phlegmatic enough for New York?
Jamie-Lynn Spears: Do we even need to justify it?