The S&M Comedian

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Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the S&M Comedian: 27, male, Midtown East, straight, single.

DAY ONE
8 p.m.: Meet Jen for dinner.
10:25 p.m.: Back at my place and Jen tells me she is sleepy from the wine.
10:30 p.m.: We go to the bedroom, and I put a leather collar on her for the first time. She gives me that loving submissive look. Tie her hands behind her back with rope.

10:55 p.m.: Have sex doggy style with her hands still tied behind her back. She has never been this excited before. Untie her and switch to being on top.
11:30 p.m.: Both naked talking on the bed. Jen leaves the collar on. I snap some picture of her. I think it was a hit.

DAY TWO
2 p.m.: Jen sends me the pictures I took last night. I begin looking online for a custom-made leather collar.
8 p.m.: Perform a comedy spot downtown, which goes great.
9:10 p.m.: No decent girls in audience so I bail right after my set. I crave any kind of attention from women. After all, I’m a comedian.

DAY THREE
11 a.m.: Talk to Jen online. Thoughts of having Jen tied up run through my mind.
6 p.m.: A girl stops me on the street and says “Hey, where you going.” I am immediately intrigued because she is really hot. Then I notice the green coat, the dreadlocks, and a clipboard. She is an activist, trying to get my signature. Keep walking.
10 p.m.: Perform downtown. Jen meets me at the spot. Have drinks with her at bar after my set.
Midnight: Have great sex with Jen. Multiple positions: me on top, her on top, doggy style. She commands me to do her a certain way. Makes me think she has dominance in her.

DAY FOUR
2 p.m.: When Jen and I wake up, we have gentle sex. What is happening to me: holding, kissing, touching. I guess I really like her.
4 p.m.: Lie around naked in bed with her.
8 p.m.: I perform all the way down on the Lower East Side. The booker’s wife is pretty hot but seems like white trash. Though I would have sex with a girl that is white trash if it came down to it.
11:15 p.m.: Go to a party. How many comedians can you fit in a cramped Upper East Side apartment? The correct answer is 120. If you guessed that, you win nothing.
11:30 p.m.: Jen meets me at the party and we drink.
2:36 a.m.: We have sex. Jen orgasms hard and then claims she can’t move. She rolls over and passes out fast. I let her sleep and go into the living room.
3:10 a.m.: Look at porn on the internet. I do not jerk off though.
4:30 a.m.: Pass out on couch.

DAY FIVE
2 p.m.: Pick up food order from restaurant. A fugly girl behind the counter starts flirting with me and invites me to a karaoke party on Friday. I wonder where she gets the confidence to ask me out.
10 p.m.: Go out for drinks with my friend Mike.
11:15 p.m.: Bar in meatpacking district. Mike and I start talking to two not attractive girls for kicks. I don’t give one serious answer to them. I’m not sure if they think I’m funny or a huge asshole. I’m fine with either.
2 a.m.: Two Australian girls come up to us and use some cheesy line. “Do you know any good dance clubs around here?” They don’t look Australian, and only one of them is borderline fuckable. We decide to bail on them and head to East Village to meet Mike’s friend.
2:30 a.m.: Bad move because nobody is at this bar. I go home and leave Mike with his friend.

DAY SIX
1 p.m.: Talk to Jen online, and she tells me she ordered a cock ring online. Never used one before, but I’m game. Is this a kinky way of her proposing to me, by putting a ring on my penis?
9:40 p.m.: Perform a set at a comedy club. Seven minutes of pure joy.
11 pm.: I talk to Jen online. It comes up that she loves submitting to me, but the idea of using a ball gag freaks her out.

DAY SEVEN
11 a.m.: Hot arty girl on the subway. I notice she has an animal-rights button on her bag. I wonder if under any circumstance she would consider fucking me (currently wearing leather coat, like leather collars, etc.). Would I have to get a pleather collar for her?
2 p.m.: Talk dirty with Jen. She tells me I could cum on her face, however, not in the eyes and not when she has to run right out the door. She is adorable. I really like her.
2 a.m.: Porn.

Total: Four acts of intercourse, two of which involve S&M, one act of post-sex photo shoot, two acts of looking at porn, one conversation in which girl draws the line at the ball gag.