Calm Your Jitters With the Democratic-Debate Drinking Game!

Obama and Clinton
Photo: Photo illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: Getty Images, Picture Post/Getty Images

Earlier today we wrote that tonight’s debate in Philadelphia was so exciting, so significant, and so overdue that it might actually provide an enjoyable viewing experience even without the benefits of being wasted. Well, we’re having second thoughts. With so much at risk, we're bound to need something to calm our nerves. And besides, if Hillary Clinton can try to make politics more appealing by getting drunk, so can we. And so we present the National Constitution Center Debate Drinking Game.

• Start off with a martini — with extra bitters. Drink every time someone says “Bittergate.”
• Swirl your Pinot Noir, smell its bouquet, sip, gargle, and say, "Hmm … it’s passable, but not great" every time a candidate says the word “elite.”
• Throw back a shot of cheap whiskey and chase with a full beer if a candidate tries to explain his or her humble roots.
• Gulp your significant other's drink whenever Hillary cites the successes of Bill Clinton's presidency.
• Chug your beer for every second a candidate continues talking past the moderator’s helpless, pathetic attempts to move on. (Chug slowly.)
• Finish your can and crush it on your forehead if Clinton comes up with another canned zinger like “change you can Xerox.”
• Shotgun your beer if either candidate panders to the pro-gun crowd.
• Drink a half-empty glass of beer if a candidate claims the economy will continue to go downhill.
• Sip some Manischewitz at every mention of Reverend Wright.
• Do a comedic spit-take if somebody makes an Obama-Osama slip-up. —Dan Amira