Please, Someone Rescue Patrick Stewart From His Upcoming NBA Nightmare!

Stewart
Photo: WireImage

Yesterday over on Vulture, we wrote a ridiculous post comparing each of the straight-play Tony competitors to teams in the NBA's logjammed Western Conference playoff race. Last night at the Broadway opening of Macbeth, Stewart was asked whether he agreed with our comparison of his show with the Phoenix Suns (you know, bald stars, European sensibilities — it makes sense in context). The former Jean-Luc Picard failed to engage with the question, though, admitting he'd never been to a professional basketball game. "But I'm going to the Knicks next Monday," he offered.

What? This is unacceptable.

It's bad enough that New Yorkers have to watch absolutely, positively the worst team in the history of professional sports, but now we're going to subject one of the greatest Shakespearean actors of our generation to them as well? They'll be playing the Celtics on Monday, so at least there'll be one good team in the gym, but seriously. Patrick Stewart is going to think basketball is the ugliest, least balletic game imaginable, one in which clod-footed New York jackasses embarrass themselves against a team that should theoretically be their greatest rival.

Let's put it this way: If we were introducing Patrick Stewart to American Shakespeare, would we take him to Macbeth, as performed by the Blaine Community Players? Hell no! For the sake of New York's pride, couldn't David Stern spring to beam Jean-Luc Picard to the Golden State–Phoenix game instead? —Dan Kois