‘Sex and the City’ Movie: We Know Who Dies (Updated)

Sex
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This past Tuesday night, Cynthia Nixon let slip to an interviewer that in the upcoming Sex and the City movie, one of the characters dies. She refused to say which one, but we think we might know.

Samantha
Potential cause of death: Breast cancer. It's entirely possible that Samantha's breast cancer could return, no matter how fabulous she is. We can also quite easily picture a scenario where usage of a sex swing goes awry. Too easily, in fact.
Why it might not happen: The gay audience would revolt.

Steve's Mom
Potential cause of death: Alzheimer's combined with general boringness. In the last few episodes, Anne Meara's character was losing her memory and had developed a taste for wandering around the streets eating out of garbage cans. Plus, her character has kind of run its course. What's she going to do if there's a sequel? Take her pants off at Saks? Actually…
Why it might not happen: People live like that for years.

Mr. Big
Potential cause of death: Heart attack. Rumors of Big's demise have been floating around the Internet since Noth told the Post, prior to the film's actually getting made, that "In the Sex and the City movie that never happened, Mr. Big had a fatal heart attack and died." Plus, as one commenter on Us magazine's Website notes, "Carrie dyes her hair dark, so something tragic had to happen." Plus, in the final episode, we learned his real name (it is John). According to the famed Rumpelstiltskin Theory, this means he must tear himself in half.
Why it might not happen: And leave poor old bony Carrie all alone again? Now that's just cruel. Plus, Chris Noth told Extra there may be a sequel in the works.

Charlotte
Potential cause of death: Freak tennis accident. Charlotte is hit on the head by a tennis ball in that exact spot that kills you. Charlotte is accidentally smothered by a pile of Lily Pulitzer fabric. Charlotte passes out from hunger and her dog, Elizabeth Taylor, eats her face off.
Why it might not happen: Huh. We can't think of a reason not to kill Charlotte. She's sort of extraneous when you think about it. And just think: Samantha and Carrie could make all the dirty jokes they wanted! There. It's settled.

Guess Who Dies [NYP]

Related: Wow, Maybe Mr. Big Really Will Die [Vulture]

Update: Our dear, delusional friends over at Vulture disagree with our assessment that Charlotte will die. They are convinced that it is, in fact, Big whose head will be squashed by an inexplicable falling safe. They may be right about Charlotte; surely somewhere in her contract (right under the part where she agrees to periodically flash a boob) it must say that she can't actually die. But Kois, Brown, you crazy Kantian cats, it's not going to be Mr. Big. And here's why: You have to follow the Friends paradigm. The writers of that show believed in their hearts that viewers wanted Ross and Rachel to end up together — even though really we wanted Rachel to go to Paris and for Ross to be sat upon on by a rogue brontosaurus. So the Sex writers ended the series with Big and Carrie together. But then they realized afterward the folly of their ways, and now they have the chance to fix it for good. Imagine the real end of Sex and the City being that Carrie actually learns a goddamn lesson for once, instead of twisting everything that happens to her into a trite, column-ending pun. If Big dies, nobody learns anything — in fact, Carrie gets to spend the rest of her life indulging herself with the lie that it was a "great love." If he dumps her at the altar, it's way worse. See, Vulture, if Big dies, he'll get what he deserves, sure. But Carrie never will.