Canada was starting to feel like it was terminally uncool. Even though the United States had the worst president ever and the depreciated dollar made traveling almost anywhere else prohibitive, people still didn’t want to hang with Canada. ‘It’s like I have a disease or something,” Canada said to herself. “Just be yourself, honey,” Canada’s mom soothed, but it’s not like that had gotten Canada anywhere. And anyway, Canada didn’t want to be herself. She wasn’t content knowing that she was interesting and cool on the inside and waiting to be discovered by people who were smart enough to know how special she was. What Canada wanted was to be popular. “I know,” Canada said to herself. “I’m going to throw a big party in New York and invite all the coolest kids, and when they see how awesome my party is, they’ll have to like me!”
So Canada went to work. She secured a space on the roof of the British Empire Building in midtown. She booked a band and bought alcohol and mini-sausages and waited nervously to see if anyone would show up. And lo and behold, they did! Within a few hours, the party was full. People were laughing and talking and a reporter from the New York Times was there! Canada was thrilled. Everyone, it seemed, was finally recognizing her charms. The next morning, she opened up the paper, excited. “I was interested in seeing what we stand to gain culturally one day if we annex Canada,” one partygoer had told the paper. Well, that was good. “I mean, there’s Canadian football, but I’m trying to think of what else.” Wait, what? Canada had a lot more to offer than football! What about Niagara Falls? And Mounties and lacrosse and Smarties and Graydon Carter? Surely, the party would have made someone want to visit Canada. “Let’s put it this way,” a 68-year-old computer science professor told the Times. “It won’t dampen my enthusiasm.” Well! Canada thought. That’s something.