Eating Brunch Outside Before It’s Time: A Debate

CRISTAL: So I ate brunch outside this weekend, for the first time.

CRISTAL: It was awesome.

NOELNOEL: See, I don’t understand why all of New York suddenly decides it needs to eat outside when the temperature rises above 50 degrees. It’s too cold to eat outside right now.

NOELNOEL: We look ridiculous. Eating outside with our coats on?

CRISTAL: I was actually wearing a very fetching polo that accentuated my arms, I’ll have you know.

CRISTAL: And, as a matter of fact, I was freezing.

CRISTAL: But it doesn’t make you happy to see people out on the sidewalks eating again? It’s so festive!

NOELNOEL: Sure, it’s nice for the passersby, but why is everyone so excited to sit outside and stare at a loud noisy street and the dogs that are coming by and taking shits in front of them on the sidewalk while they’re eating?

CRISTAL: Because when it’s still cool out, the city doesn’t smell like a special blend of pee, vomit, and rotting food, like it does in the summer.
NOELNOEL: I had drinks outside with some friends the other day, and it must’ve been 50 degrees. We could barely hold our glasses we were shaking so hard, saying, “Maybe we’ll warm up after a few drinks!”
CRISTAL: Did you warm up after a few drinks?
NOELNOEL: Yeah, because that’s when we gave up and went inside.
CRISTAL: But didn’t you think to yourself, “All those stressed-out people on the sidewalk running to get somewhere — they must be soooo jealous of us here with our cocktails.”
CRISTAL: That’s how I make most of my decisions.
CRISTAL: Based upon the level of jealousy the results will stir in others.
NOELNOEL: I like the idea of eating outside, but it’s just not a pleasurable experience at that temperature. It’s like when you start masturbating and know it’s not going to be a good orgasm, but you keep going. You’re not even enjoying it, but you feel like you have to see it through till the end.
CRISTAL: Ew.
CRISTAL: I once ate dinner in the East Village in the rain under a giant umbrella that I was holding. Myself.
CRISTAL: I kind of considered it my New Yorkest moment ever.
CRISTAL: But, in retrospect, it may have been my most assholic.
NOELNOEL: We should make this IM conversation into a post and see what the commenters think about brunching outside too early in the season.*

*Noelle did not actually say this