We’ve tried not to notice the extremely ugly divorce-and-custody-battle thing that’s been going on between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards for what now seems like decades. We have never seen Charlie Sheen’s show (he has a show, right?), and the last thing we remember Denise Richards in is Wild Things. But, lately, it seems like every Web site we click on tells us more information about their feud:
Charlie apparently claimed that Denise, the mother of two of his children, sent him an e-mail asking for his sperm so that she could have a third child.
Denise denied it, telling the Post, “I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm.”
Then she said Charlie sent her a text message saying, “I hope you and your worthless, retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell, you fucking whore.”
“I am so over him,” she told the Post. “He’s disgusting, and he’s hit an all-time low.”
It’s safe to say that the world has hit an all-time low, because coverage of these disgusting people is international fucking news, and Us Weekly is actually asking people if they are on Team Charlie or Team Denise, as if anyone would want to be on either team, and Denise Richards has a reality show, which means that this could all go on in perpetuity. It must, Daily Intel readers, be stopped. Here’s why: It’s only a matter of time before someone makes a T-shirt featuring a phrase plucked from their catchy banter, and then said T-shirt will then be worn by a member of a band like Fallout Boy during an awards show, and that will subsequently enrage a Republican member of Congress, who will turn it into an incident with a phrase attached to it like “wardrobe malfunction” that will become an Internet meme and eventually be recorded in the OED, where, along with the Armenian genocide and other human atrocities, it will exist as a reminder of a period of human history wherein people demonstrated a terrible, unthinkable capacity for base, stupid cruelty. So! Let’s nip this in the bud, shall we?