Dear New Utrecht High School, Class of '08,
Right about now, you probably want to pound Lukasz Zbylut into the ground or give him an atomic wedgie or send nasty messages to him on Facebook or whatever the teenage abuse à la mode is these days. We feel you. After all, it's one thing to quietly, nerdily be accepted into ten of the top colleges in the country and decide — la-la-la-la-la!— to settle on Harvard. But it's another thing entirely to totally brag about it to the Post.
"Each time the fat [acceptance] envelope rolled in, I stared at it with an open mouth," said Lukasz, whose family emigrated from Poland five years ago.
"I applied to all these great colleges thinking, 'Why not?' I took a shot in the dark, and apparently, I hit the jackpot."
Yeah, we're making the double-dong gesture at our desks right now, too. Look at that smug little grin. Emigrated from Poland. Dorkistan is more like it. And who called in this story to the Post? The guidance counselor? Anyway. We know it's hard, Class of '08, but here's the thing we're going to ask you: No matter how much you resent Lukasz Zbylut right now, no matter how gross and nerdy he seems — we urge you to resist making fun of him or alienating him in any way. Because after high school, all the hot popular guys are going to melt into fat, arrogant losers, and Lukasz? He's going to be awesome. In fact, girls, you might want to try to date him starting now. He has a decent bone structure, a fast metabolism, and he'll probably end up rich. So go on. Find out if he has a prom date. And best of luck in your adult lives.
A One-Man Ivy League [NYP]