According to a new city Health Department study, one in four adults in New York City has genital herpes.
We'll let that sink in for a minute.
Twenty-six percent of citizens who live in the five boroughs are walking around with herpes, a full 7 percent above the natural average. Here in NYC, the rate is even higher among women, black people, and gay men. Straight white men, don't think you're safe — you have all of us herpes-ridden women and gay men still running around trying to trick you into having sex with us.
We shouldn't be surprised at the statistics, we suppose; it's not a life-threatening condition and is easily controlled (or concealed) with the help of prescription medication. In fact, initially we suspected that the very advertisements for that medication might be the cause of the problem. All those Valtrex ads? The people on them are so sexy and healthy! And they're trying to keep it that way.* The way they make the herpes lifestyle appear, with all that bike-riding and meadow-traipsing, who wouldn't want a sip of the ol' Simplex?
But then we realized that the AP had its own theory. Above we've screen-grabbed Breitbart's choices for "Related Stories." Note the last one on the list. Blast! The movie has wreaked its final destruction upon us — and it got us from the inside.
*Side note: If you take a moment to Google Image "genital herpes," you'll note only about one in every 40 photo results is an attractive couple in a field.