Yo, Western Europe! Holla! How are you? Isn't it great how frequently we get to see one another these days, because the dollar is so weak and you keep coming to visit? It's so helpful that you're here to buy up all of those luxury things we can't afford. Someone has to wear those Armani bathing suits, right? And we're certainly not fitting into them these days. Ha-ha!
Can we borrow some oil? Just kidding. Did we just make things awkward?
What we really wanted to talk about was Barack Obama. We're still trying to decide between him and John McCain over here. We know, we know, you hate George Bush and you are afraid McCain will be the same — but we have a lot of thinking to do. Like, a few months' worth.
We've begun reading stories over the past few days, since Obama secured the Democratic nomination, about how much you'd like the Illinois senator to be our next president. The Times of London said you were all for him, and that it was "unfortunate" that you got no vote. In Spain, El Pais has been running an adorable photo series of the handsome candidate. In Belgium, Le Soir's American-politics Website boasted that 74 percent of the country supports Obama (over a measly 12 percent for McCain).
That's a lot of support! But you know what would really help your candidate get elected? If you shut the hell up. The Americans who would listen to the advice of Western Europe are the ones who listen to the BBC feed on NPR in the morning for their international news and opinion — in other words, the people who are already going to vote for Obama. The people who he is trying to win over at this very moment, as he campaigns in the red states, are the ones who will view a European endorsement as a total minus. Remember when there was a movement to rename French Fries "Freedom Fries" over here? Yeah, it's those people who will be alienated by your support. Frankly, they think you're a bunch of Socialist sissies.
We're not saying they're right. But you guys, who are always slightly smug about your understanding of our politics, have clearly missed out on the nuance here. A true endorsement of Barack Obama from you would be no endorsement at all.
We know we totally butted in that time in Finland, so we're total hypocrites. But what can we say, we're Americans.
Anyway, toodles! See you at Century 21!