Imaginary Brainstorming With Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Twins. Twins. TwinsTwinsTwins! Photo: Getty Images

In an effort to establish themselves as two distinct people … Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s publicist wanted me to speak with each of them and asked that I not refer to them as “twins” or “sisters” in my story.
— Caroline Tell, accessories market editor, WWD

The setting is a New York city loft (not in Soho!), in the morning-time. The floor is littered with castoff venti Starbucks paper cups and mounds of chunky plastic bracelets. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are brainstorming with a publicist about how best to promote their jewelry line for Elizabeth and James.

Mary-Kate: Can I just say something?
Ashley: I guess.
Mary-Kate: That was a rhetorical question, assface.
Ashley: A what question?
Mary-Kate: Rhetorical. It means, "Not to be answered by fatty retards." Anyway, what I hate about Elizabeth and James is that it is two names, and so obviously it makes people think of twins, and I am just really sick of the word "twin." And you, Ashley. Could you take up more breathing space?
Ashley: Yeah. We are so much more than twins! And I am not fat— I'm just medium-boned. Also, I hate the term "sister."
Mary-Kate: HATE "sister." It's like "blister," or something. Except that's how I feel about you, Ashley, you're like a human blister on me. But with, like, blond pus.

Ashley: Heh, pus.
Mary-Kate: Can you make sure no one calls us either of those things anymore, Publicist?
Publicist: Of course! [Scribbles in notebook] No "twin" … no "sister." Is there … something else you would prefer to be called?
Ashley: [Snorts.] The hottie and the nottie.
Mary-Kate: Shut up, carb breath. I don't know, Publicist, what else could people call us? This is what we're paying you for.
Publicist: Binates?
Ashley: Ew!
Publicist: Didymouses?
Mary-Kate: We're not lesbians. Well, I'm not. What about birth co-headliners?
Publicist: That has a ring to it!
Ashley: My name gets to be bigger on the birth marquee!
Mary-Kate: Only if we're going by ass size.
Publicist: Okay, moving on. Who wants to wash their hair this month?

Earlier: Imaginary Thanksgiving With The Olsen Twins