‘New York Men Don't Wear Condoms Because They Have Small Penises’

Did Spitzer start a trend? Or was he just followingthe crowd? Photo: Getty Images

Well, no wonder everyone has herpes. The city Health Department, apparently newly committed to keeping us awake (and alone) at night, has followed up their blockbuster herpes study with a new one that reveals only 60 percent of New Yorkers who have multiple partners used a condom the last time they had sex. We suck at math, but even we know that means 40 percent don't use condoms, and that's kind of bad. But we're not totally surprised: The city released its own branded condom. Clearly, the entire genre has been uncool for some time. But still, why are New Yorkers so casual about condom use? Isn't this a city that lost a lot of people from AIDS? And aren't we still? Daily Intel's Jessica asked her friend Moe from Jezebel, who is something of an expert on, well, stuff, what the deal was.

JezebelMoe: I think New Yorkers don't use condoms because they all already have STDs and know they're not that big a deal.

JPRESS: It's true. Herpes, specifically. And also HPV. Everyone I know has HPV. And people who say they don't totally have it, they just don't know it yet. They have it worse than anyone.

JezebelMoe: I also think New Yorkers don't use condoms because they actually noticed when people stopped getting HIV. Also, I think New Yorkers don't use condoms for the same reason they smoke. It feels good.

JPRESS: Yeah, and New Yorkers like things that feel good. We like to smoke and drink and eat pork belly, and it's okay because there's a safety net — we can go to the gym 24 hours a day, or go on a juice fast, and if something does go wrong with us, there are enough hospitals and doctors here that someone should be able to fix us. So maybe we get kind of arrogant and think nothing can really hurt us. Like, you know, Spitzer.

JezebelMoe: In the case of Spitzer, like it is really hard for dudes to get STDs from anal if they're tops. The statistics are, like, miniscule I think. Especially from straight sex.

JPRESS: Wait: Was the SpizterSex definitely anal?

JezebelMoe: Radar interviewed Heidi Fleiss about it and that was her speculation.

JPRESS: Oh my.

JezebelMoe: So yeah, I mean, who are we to dispute Heidi Fleiss? She went to JAIL for this shit.

JPRESS: Anyway moving on.

JezebelMoe: Another thing is that withdrawal is actually an equally effective method of birth control (seriously, it says so in small print on the package), and New Yorkers are early adopters. Plus they like shooting it places like in porn.

JPRESS: That totally makes sense, since everyone here is kind of under the impression that they are starring in a movie.

JezebelMoe: Also, okay, New York attracts insecurity, which correlates with small dicks. Small-dicked dudes hate condoms.

JPRESS: Oh, is that true? I thought that was a coincidence…

JezebelMoe: Oh hells yes.

JezebelMoe: I never had a condom get stuck inside me

JezebelMoe: until I moved here

JPRESS: It's like putting a baggie on a Popsicle

JezebelMoe: Right! The other day it happened to [redacted]. She found a six-day-old condom. And I tracked it to the day she had a one-night stand with this dude [redacted].

JPRESS: Wait: She "found" it? Six days later?

JPRESS: Wait: And what do you mean you tracked it? What are you, the Vagina Whisperer?

JezebelMoe: I just put two and two together [Redacted] had TOLD me there was a rumor [redacted guy] had a small dick. So like … you know. She didn't have to say anymore. It's like code.

JPRESS: You're like a forensic scientist on CSI: Vagina.

JezebelMoe: I never had to ask "so how big."

JezebelMoe: It was just like, the condom was snatched.

JPRESS: Heh. Snatched.

Unsafe Sex Remains Common Among New Yorkers [NYT]
Earlier: Herpes: It's Got New York by the Balls
Related: Who Still Dies of AIDS, and Why [NYM]