Wait, Are We Over Anderson Cooper’s Overconcern?

Manderson's guilt-inducing gaze.
Manderson's guilt-inducing gaze. Photo: Getty Images

JPRESS: Okay, so can we talk about this entry on Anderson Cooper's blog about how he wants to tell Robert Mugabe "Enough is enough"?

CHRISTAL: What about it?

JPRESS: Let's start with the line: "We sit and we watch, that’s all it seems we’re able to do."

JPRESS: I think that I am over his sanctimoniousness.

CHRISTAL: Wait, wait, wait.

JPRESS: It was cute when he was new, when he was, like, earnest and furrowy because he CARED. But…

CHRISTAL: Are you turning against MANDERSON?

CHRISTAL: Our blimp-bicepted hero?

JPRESS: I think I may be out of love with him.

CHRISTAL: He who carries the fleshy white melons of the world on his shoulders?

JPRESS: First of all, remember, I am a girl, and he is…

JPRESS: You know

CHRISTAL: Short?

JPRESS: Anyway, I used to like the way he furrowed his brow in concern, the time he cried…

JPRESS: (times)

CHRISTAL: There was a time when you lost your heart in the milky embrace of that cleft!

JPRESS: Well, that's what I'm talking about, the cleft. It used to be a hollow I wanted to lovingly stuff with raisins. But lately it seems to have gotten deeper, more sinister. Like an abyss from which pours anger. This really petulant, childish anger.

CHRISTAL: I see what you're getting at. Saying "enough is enough" to Robert Mugabe is like asking Denise Richards, "When will you learn?"

JPRESS: Exactly! It's like saying, "Amy Winehouse should really go to rehab." Or, "Those Janjaweed who attack the villages are just terrible."

CHRISTAL: But here's the thing: Nobody else on CNN is doing that, you know, having genuine and totally obvious reactions of indignation. Whereas EVERYONE on Fox News is doing that.

JPRESS: So because Fox is doing it it's okay? This is very old-fashioned of me, but I want CNN to give me news. I don't want them to emote. I don't need them to tell me how to feel.

CHRISTAL: Yeah, but the point of his show is that it's looking at things from different points of view. Anderson is just doing what Bill O'Reilly does, but with reasonable feelings instead of subtle, ingrained xenophobia, homophobia, and fear of change.

JPRESS: Okay, but even so, Anderson doesn't really have a particularly interesting point of view. He's just like [furrow] "Why do people hurt people?"

JPRESS: His point of view is like: "Bad people are bad."

CHRISTAL: Yes! That's his opinion. Bad people are bad.

CHRISTAL: Suffering sucks.

CHRISTAL: And Kathy Griffin is HILARIOUS.

JPRESS: See, but you don't need to say she's hilarious, because she just is. Like you don't need to show with your cleft that Sudanese refugees are sad, because they just are.

CHRISTAL: I think his overblown caring cushions the blow in a way. It's like he's sharing some of the feeling with you, so you don't have to bear the full burden of all this bad news. It's a complete package, pain included.

JPRESS: But that's just it! He's not sharing your pain. He is not unburdening you! He is burdening you by actively inflicting guilt! "We sit and we watch, that’s all it seems we’re able to do??" You're like, "I suck, man. I'm just sitting here watching and eating a Pizza Pocket," and Anderson is Out in the World. Squinting at the needy!

CHRISTAL: Does this all go back to your being angry about being a blogger and not being a real journalist?

JPRESS: THEY ARE CLASS ISSUES!

JPRESS: Maybe.

CHRISTAL: Can't we just talk about his arms?

JPRESS: Sigh.