Samuel Israel III, the hedge-fund manager who was sentenced to twenty years in the can for defrauding his investors, was expected to report to prison last Monday when his car was found on a bridge with the words “Suicide is painless” scrawled in the dirt on his windshield. But a body hasn’t turned up, and nobody seems to be buying the suicide story. So Israel’s mysterious suicide/disappearance has authorities wondering, Where in the world is Samuel Israel III? Unlike Carmen Sandiego, however, Israel hasn’t supplied fun little clues or entertainment in the form of Rockapella (the FBI is pissed about this). Also, he may really be dead. But if he’s not, it’s likely he escaped to one of the many countries with which the United States has no extradition treaty i.e., places he can chill out without being shipped home. After consulting our foreign-policy sources fine, Wikipedia we were able to compile a list of Israel’s most likely destinations. You’re welcome, U.S. Marshals Service.
Afghanistan: We hear it’s hard to find people in those mountains.
Cambodia: There’s only one reason old white men flee to Cambodia, and sorry to say, Israel has that kind of face.
Bahrain: Here, a felon can live freely on a gaudy man-made island in the shape of a dollar sign.
São Tomé and Príncipe: We had no idea this country existed, so basically, it’s perfect.
Somalia: With enough cash, he can probably become a moderately successful warlord fairly quickly.
China: Unless he somehow morphs into toxic dog food, China won’t send him to the U.S.
Ethiopia: Lost Israelis have a long history here.
Andorra: Tax haven, baby.
North Korea: Back problems may get him excused from forced labor camps. Kind of a risk, though.
Saudi Arabia: It’s like a big beautiful beach, without the water.
Guinea-Bissau: The new New Guinea.