West Palm Beach circuit judge Deborah Dale Pucillo, who sentenced Jeffrey Epstein yesterday, couldn't give him the exact justice she felt her deserved: His lawyers had cut a deal for the billionaire financier to serve eighteen months in county prison followed by a year on house arrest for one count of sex with a minor. But she did act all kinds of awesome about it, rolling her eyes at the prosecution's allowing him go to county, not state, prison, "a significant cost to the taxpayer and the county," referring to the private psychiatrist he's seeing in lieu of a publicly provided one as "fancy-pantsy." But she did manage to take away one thing he holds dear.
During his home confinement, Epstein "cannot view or possess" any pornography "relevant to his deviant behavior patterns," Pucillo said, before deciding to bar him from looking at any porn at all.
After which we imagine they repaired to chambers to haggle over the fine points: "What about Girls Gone Wild?" "No." "What about lesbian porn?" "No." "Massage-training videos?" "No." "Scheisse videos?" "Okay."