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As you may have heard, last night Barack Obama and Bill Clinton had their first phone conversation since the contentious Democratic primary effectively ended. “We did not belabor the primary season,” Obama told reporters today. “I think what we both acknowledged is, is that when you’re in a tough primary battle you say things that afterward you may end up thinking, that may have been a little intemperate. But that’s the nature of political campaigns.” It’s understandable that Obama would be oblique, but he should know that the very FISA bill that he supports will continue to allow exactly the kind of wiretapping that we used to listen in on the conversation! Oh, busted by your own move to the center, Obama. We’ve reproduced what we heard below:
Phone rings.
Hillary: Hello?
Barack: Hey Hill, Obama here.
Hillary: Barack, it’s three in the morning!
Barack: Oh, sorry. I thought you’d be prepared. Anyway, I think it’s time I cleared things up with Bill, could you put him on?
Hillary: Good luck with that. [Long pause]
Bill: Hello?!
Barack: Hey Bill, this is Barack Obama. Look, I think we should settle our differences so this party can finally unify. We need you on our side to win in November.
Bill: You said a lot of mean things about me, Barack. You tried to taint my legacy. You tried to make me out to be some kind of racist. I was the first black president!
Barack: Not literally…
Bill: Are you calling Toni Morrison a liar?
Barack: Bill, you tried to downplay my viability and broad appeal by comparing me to Jesse Jackson.
Bill: Now that is a fairy tale. I never did that.
Barack: Anyway, I think we need to put all of this behind us and move on. Your wife certainly has.
Bill: Can she be vice-president?
Barack: Look, Hillary ran a groundbreaking campaign, and created opportunities for millions of women, including my daughters, that were never before possible. And I respect her service and devotion to her country, and look forward to working with her to achieve the goals that we both have strived so hard for. Obviously anyone with her accomplishments would be on anyone’s short list for vice-president, and as I continue to weigh my options going forward—
Bill: Okay, you can stop. She doesn’t want it, anyway.
Barack: Thank God.
Bill: Well, what about me?
Barack: What about you?
Bill: What would my role be in your administration?
Barack: I could send you as a reassuring presence to areas hit by natural disasters around the globe: tsunamis, mudslides, earthquakes, famines…
Bill: That sounds terrible.
Barack: Yeah, um, how about ambassador to the U.N.?
Bill: What about Secretary-General of the U.N.?
Barack: I can’t just install you as Secretary-General of the U.N. I think everyone has to vote on that.
Bill: Fine. But you’d better come through — I expect you to follow through on your promises.
[Pause. They both crack up.]
Barack: Woo! Great. Listen, Bill, one more thing.
Bill: Yeah?
Barack: When you’re out there campaigning for me, stick to the script, okay? Try to stay calm, don’t fly off the—
Bill: Fly off the handle, yeah, I know, I know. Why does everyone keep telling me that?
Barack: Maybe just try wearing more makeup. So you don’t seem so, you know, um…
Bill: Angry?
Barack: I was going to say, red.
Bill: Now who’s getting racial?
Barack: I never thought I’d say this, but can you please put Hillary back on the phone?
—Dan Amira
