Rockefeller Auguste, a 35-year-old designer at an architecture firm, thought his wife was cheating on him. They got in a fight, and she moved out. But he didn’t want to just, like, divorce her, especially since she still had the $27,000 ice rink of an engagement ring he gave her. So he did what any sensible man in his situation would do: He hired a hit man and asked him to cut off her hand with a samurai sword. He even gave him the samurai sword special since, you see, that’s how it had to be done, because — wait, WHAT? Auguste’s plan was ultimately foiled — his hit-man connection apparently set him up with an undercover cop, the Daily News tells us — but there are still so many unanswered questions here. Such as: Why not an ax or a regular Wüsthof steak knife? And could he not just cut off her finger? Developing. In the meantime, feel free to leave your theories in the comments.