CHRISTAL: So last night my straight brother humored me by watching men's synchronized diving with me.
CHRISTAL: (The gays love diving because someone once told us that all divers were gay, and we chose to believe them despite all evidence to the contrary.)
JPRESS: More than Greco-Roman wrestling?
CHRISTAL: We love Greco-Roman wrestling above all else. Have you seen the "start" position?
CHRISTAL: Anyway, I observed that the divers have much better defined abs than the swimmers do, as though the aesthetics of their bodies is more important. Maybe it is?
JPRESS: It may be because they have to wear bathing suits the size of Livestrong bands.
CHRISTAL: But Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day, largely pizza and pasta, and unless he's flexing you can't always see the definition of his six-pack.
CHRISTAL: But the divers looked like they were on the cover of Men's Health.
CHRISTAL: I said to my brother, "Wow, look at their abs. They're even better than Michael Phelps's."
CHRISTAL: And he turned to me and said, "Dude. Michael Phelps has the body of a god. Period."
CHRISTAL: This is a man who has to ASK me if men are cute. Like, "Jared Leto. He's, like, a cute guy, right? Like, dudes like him?"
CHRISTAL: So I did some photo research.
CHRISTAL: As I was, um, going to sleep.
CHRISTAL: And it turns out, he DOES have the body of a god.
CHRISTAL: It's not as cut, maybe, but it's spectacular. According to the Daily News, he has size 14 feet and a longer torso than most humans, resulting in an arm span (six foot seven) that is longer than his height (six foot four). It's like Zeus had sex with a dolphin, who gave birth to Michael Phelps.
JPRESS: If he hugged you, it would be like being hugged by a bag of rocks, like the smooth, soft, hot kind you find on the beach.
CHRISTAL: From far away, it's like his body is one of those long balloons you make animals out of, except for someone filled it with water and gerbils.
CHRISTAL: Who are constantly squirming around, trying to get out.
JPRESS: Here is the one thing, though: As one of our commenters pointed out, he is kind of a butterface. (A buthisface? Do we say that? We should.)
CHRISTAL: He's a total butterface.
CHRISTAL: He looks (and talks) like he has a mouth full of Big League Chew.
JPRESS: But he emphasizes his best assets by wearing his swim trunks extremely low and waxing — or perhaps lasering? — his body hair. I'd still do him.
CHRISTAL: I mean, duh. He's an American hero.