Just what you've always wanted: a more awkward way to talk about STDs during foreplay. A New York company called STDFree Certifications has come up with a sexual-history "license," made up to look like an I.D. card, that will attest to your level sexual health. The Daily News awesomely calls it an American Sexpress Card. After you flash it, potential partners can call up STDFree and check up on your latest test results. It's a good, if somewhat hokey idea, but not without its hurdles. The largest of which is, how on earth do you pull out the License to Thrill in the heat of the moment? And when?? Below, we have some suggestions for people on one-night stands on how to smoothly whip it out:
• Subtly, in the elevator on the way to the apartment: "Let me just get my keys. Oh, look what fell out of my pocket! It's my STDFree card! Anyway, aren't you so excited to see Christopher Walken on SNL?"
• As a preemptive measure: "Thanks for the coffee! What's this card?" "Oh, it's my STDFree card. You see, we're going to be having sex later and I wanted you to know that I'm perfectly healthy." "Why would you assume we're going to have sex?!" "What, you're prejudiced against baristas?"
• As the segue: "Isn't the view from my rooftop lovely? Here's my STDFree card. Why are you still wearing your top?"
• Just before you pass out: "I don't know where we are, but I just want you to know that at least one of us isn't going to get an Esh-T-D tonight."
• The postcoital reassurance: "Hey, FYI, I'm STD free, so you have nothing to worry about. No guilt! But you should probably come up with some excuses for why you are showing up to work in a cocktail dress and stilettos. Maybe you were filming a scene as an extra for Entourage this morning?"
• During introductions: "Hey, it was really great chatting with you! I loved hearing what you thought about the latest Lauren Weisberger novel. Here's my business card, and my STDFree license. But wait, can you give that second one back? I'm not done with it tonight."
• During good-byes: "Here's my STDFree card! Where's yours? What? You don't have one? Oh, um, okay. The subway is that way? A twelve-minute walk? Okay, um, thanks. Bye. If you find my underwear, you can just keep it, okay?"
American Sexpress Card [NYDN]