Banks Falter, Strippers and Scoundrels Thrive During Greatest Depression

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Aim higher, dude. Aim higher. Photo: Getty Images

We have been having a great time with all of the fun news coming out of the Greatest Depression but even we, to paraphrase our patron saint Mary J. Blige, are getting a little tired of the drama. Today in the last hour of trading, for the fourth day in a row since the House passed its rescue package, the Dow took another nosedive, down 680 points. The S&P 500 is hovering around 22 percent, which is extremely worrying to Floyd Norris. General Motors sank 31 percent, and even banks regarded as reasonably solid — JPMorgan and Bank of America, for instance — took a turn for the worse. Worryingly, so did Wells Fargo, no doubt due to its involvement with that floozy Wachovia. Speaking of which, Wells Fargo's talks with Citigroup blew up today — Citi was like "eff this" after the two failed to come to a mutual agreement; meaning that now Wells Fargo will either pay a $60 billion dowry to Citigroup to release Wachovia or — more likely — just walk away, leaving the bank in a loveless marriage to Vikram Pandit. No! We were wrong! They were like, "Go ahead, be with your whore." Happy ending!

Which brings us to even more good news...

California said that it may not need that $7 billion after all. The market for lap dances is booming. And look! Nick Denton at Gawker, who just fired nineteen people because, he said, the "credit crisis is clearly going to affect every sector of the economy … and 2009 is obviously going to be exceptionally difficult," is now saying that actually, everything is fine. Well. We feel better now.