A lot of the things we've been reading about Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce don't really ring true to us. Either we made them up because we couldn't understand the thing, or the British tabloids apparently made them up because they had no idea what was going on. But yesterday's potentially imaginary report in the London Sun kind of seemed to ring true. It concerned a "list of rules" that is allegedly posted in Madonna and Guy's home. Here they are:
• Guy must work to enrich his wife's emotional and spiritual well-being.
• Guy must set aside time to read Kabbalah texts with his wife.
• Guy must resolve conflicts in a constructive way.
• Guy must never shout at his wife, but instead state calmly: I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.
• We both must devote time to our sexual expressiveness.
• We must not use sex as a stick to beat one another.
Okay, a couple of things we observe on this list.
First of all, this seems to be a list mostly for Guy. Was there a corresponding Madonna list somewhere? We doubt it, but if there were, we can imagine rules 1–6 would be different versions of, "Let me go to the pub and stop being such a thundercunt."
Second, what the hell does it mean to "use sex as a stick to beat one another"?? Does this mean that they don't have sex and use that as a weapon? Or does it mean they do have sex and, um, use that as a weapon? Because if it's the latter, frankly, this marriage had a lot more going for it than we thought!