Michelle Obama Welcome at Slave Ancestor’s Grave Owned by White Guy Who’s Also Related to Anderson Cooper

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Prince required humidifiers in every room and the windows blacked out for the little private benefit concert he gave at the Gansevoort Hotel over the weekend. Booted Merrill chief Stanley O'Neal got nasty looks at Michael's, where Star Jones and Joy Behar were seated far away from each other. Poor Lindsay Lohan was rebuffed first by Chace Crawford at a Diesel party, who showed more interest in Taylor Momsen, then by Madonna at her concert, who gave the mike to Kelly Ripa instead of her. Rachael Ray barely came out of her VIP tent for a Dumbo burger contest she was supposed to host, while David Burke and Tom Colicchio mingled freely. Diddy just sold his old Rolls for a new one.

The CIA is supposedly tracking a secret Arab-Russian plan to replace the dollar with the ruble or the dinar as the top global currency. Natalie "Natalia" McLennan, the hooker who mentored Ashley Dupré on everything, has a book coming out. Sarah Palin's wearing cheap Macy's jackets now instead of Valentino, and Gwyneth's wearing insane seven-inch heels. Michelle Obama is invited to visit the grave of her slave ancestor on the property of a Cornelius Vanderbilt ancestor who is also related to Anderson Cooper and writing a memoir about addiction. Whoa, America's complicated!

Marc Jacobs's new boyfriend, Lorenzo Martone, carried Jacobs's big man-bag at the movies, but supposedly Marc is still in love with Jason Preston, who's dating the brother of Maroon Five guy Adam Levine but who's also supposedly still in love with Marc. Whoa, gays are complicated! Madonna wore shoes with pistol-shaped heels to the premiere of the movie she wrote and directed, and said the process was great for her because "deep down inside I'm really a writer." Uh-oh. Marcia Brady (well, really Maureen McCormick, who played her) swapped sex for cocaine and also had sex with her own brother Greg (well, really Barry Williams, who played him), she says in a new memoir.

The Jewish Theater of New York has a hot-button play coming up about a rugalach-eating beauty who's told by Muhammad that his people will blow themselves up around the world unless she lets him hit that. Lauren Bush kinda sorta thumbs-ups Obama and also names her new fashion line Lauren Pierce (grandma's maiden name) instead of Bush. Angelina Jolie looks incredibly gorgeous on the cover of W even though those were simple home pics taken by Brad, which proves she is genuinely beautiful.