Daily Intel’s Plan for Solving the Economic Crisis

By
Wow, a Catholic, a Muslim, and a Jew! Don't see that on the same team every day. Photo: craigslist

Yesterday, Goldman Sachs, which just a few short months ago was the shining pride of Wall Street, began the process of reducing its workforce by 10 percent. The city announced it will cut 3,000 city jobs this year, and media is of course screwed: Today's paper casualties include layoffs at Martin Shanken's food and wine empire, Time Inc, and possibly Hearst. Across the board, jobs are in decline: "October represented the biggest job-cut month of the year for several industries," John Challenger, CEO of Challenger, Gray & Christmas, told Portfolio today, and everyone knows there is more pain to come. But while the government waffles over how, exactly, to fix things — By hiring some of the brightest minds in the world to think about it? By injecting billions of dollars into the economy and throwing tax incentives at business owners? — Daily Intel has come up with a foolproof plan.

It's simple, really. Everyone who doesn't actually have to work should just quit their jobs. Like, if you bought stock in Google early on, or have a trust fund, or are the daughter of a Russian oligarch, or are, basically, anyone to whom the simplistic but really quite effective adjective "rich" could reasonably be applied, but you still keep a job in publishing or in PR or banking, not because you need the money but because of your own frankly base desire for "personal fulfillment," or because you want to lead a "normal life," then you should probably just back off and leave the working to the working classes. Like if your name is Emily Pataki, Chelsea Clinton, Amanda Paulson, Yuji Fujimori, or you work as an assistant at Vanity Fair, then the gracious thing to do right now would be to eliminate yourself from the equation, because while we haven't actually run the numbers yet, we suspect your presence in New York might be part of the problem. So give it up for someone who needs it, as you might give up your seat on the subway for that sad little old person loaded down with bags. And look, we aren't even going to make a comment about how you probably don't even ride the subway. We know you do, you're that kind of person. A good person. A populist. Which is why you should give it the eff up. Trust us, the common people will love you for it.

(Incidentally, Nobel Prize committee, you can send our award to 75 Varick Street, fourth floor, Internet ghetto, cube second over from window)