Madonna and A-Rod’s Imaginary Thanksgiving

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Left: Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez with their daughters (both of whom have the middle name Alexander — wtf?) in Miami Tuesday night. Right, Madonna, Ingrid Casares, and Guy Oseary in 2005. Photo: Getty Images

[Our one-act is split between two locations in Miami Beach: the formal dining room of Cynthia Rodriguez's home, where A-Rod and Cynthia are dining with their daughters, and the Florida Room of the Delano Hotel, where a macrobiotic tofurkey dinner has been laid out for Madonna, Ingrid Casares, and Guy Oseary. Madonna just flew down in a private jet with A-Rod, but decided to celebrate with her manager and ex-girlfriend.]

[At Cynthia's.]
Cynthia: Alex, it's nice that you came down here to spend the holiday with the girls, especially after our bitter and much-publicized divorce.
A-Rod: They're 4 years old and zero years old — they're not going to remember it. Still, it's nice to be back here.
Cynthia: Yeah. Even though I basically hate you for leaving me for a sinewy old lady, I kind of feel bad for you being in New York all the time. It's so crazy with all of the media and all the people.
A-Rod: I know, being here reminds me of how easy things used to be. It was so nice and quiet, and it wasn't weird to take your shirt off in public.

[At the Delano.]
Ingrid Casares: Isn't it crazy, all of us being here together, after all these years?
Guy Oseary: We still all look good, at least.
Madonna: Yeah, I was meaning to ask you guys about that. I have to pay a street urchin to punch me in the face every morning to keep it looking puffy and young. Not to mention the Botox, surgery, and Iron Lung. How do you guys do it?
Ingrid Casares: I just try to relax and not get stressed out. I don't know, I think life just moves slower down here.
Guy Oseary: I now am made entirely of corn.

[At Cynthia's.]
Cynthia: I heard Madonna came down here with you.
A-Rod: Yeah. I would never bring her over here. Unless you wanted…
Cynthia: I told you we'd never do that again.
A-Rod: It was worth a shot.
Cynthia: Why are you still seeing her, papi? Your life is only going to get more crazy. And it's going to start affecting your game.
A-Rod: I know, I'd like for things to be simpler. But she's my fucking soul mate, so what can I do? Fuck. Ing. Soul. Mate.

[At the Delano.]
Ingrid Casares: You know, you could raise the kids here, away from all that insanity. It's not that much farther from London.
Guy Oseary: And some great producers are down here.
Madonna: I know, I know. But I've got Alex up there now.
Guy Oseary: You know, I know A-Rod pretty well. I love managing him, but I don't get the appeal. In person, well, he's almost purple.

[At Cynthia's.]
Cynthia: What is it about her, exactly?
A-Rod: She has the most amazing mind and spirit of anyone I have ever met.

[At the Delano.]
Ingrid Casares: What is it about him, exactly?
Madonna: Do you know what it's like to get fucked by a six-foot-three Dominican sex beast?