Richard Belzer Likes Wine With Balls

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"Goonies are good enough, Blair."
"Goonies are good enough, Blair." Photo: Getty Images

Name: Richard Belzer
Age: Guess?
Neighborhood: Riverside Park
Occupation: Actor, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, author of I Am Not a Cop!

Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Louis Armstrong because he was everything: new, vital, and daring, just like New York City.

What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
In the seventies when I was struggling, I ate the same thing every day at Big Nick’s Burger Joint on Broadway and 77th Street. A cottage-cheese omelette with tomatoes, French fries, rye toast, orange juice, and coffee. It was consistently the most satisfying meal I could possibly imagine.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Try to remember my lines and marvel at those who can.

Would you still live here on a $35,000 salary?
A week?

What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
The 39 Steps, which was astoundingly inventive and funny.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
Depending on their material.

What’s your drink?
Deep, dark, ballsy red wine.

How often do you prepare your own meals?
More often than you’d think, depending on the country I’m in.

What’s your favorite medication?
Heroin. Oops!

What’s hanging above your sofa?
Invisible guardian angels.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
$400.

When’s bedtime?
Whenever the pills kick in.

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
New, because more families are together.

What do you think of Donald Trump?
He should put more balconies on his buildings.

What do you hate most about living in New York?
Leaving it.

Who is your mortal enemy?
Any ignorant human.

When’s the last time you drove a car?
Can’t remember, which isn’t a good sign, is it?

Who should be the next president?
Barack Obama again. [Ed: Yeah, we have to change this question. Suggestions in the comments!]

Times, Post or Daily News?
Like Sarah Palin, I read everything.

Where do you go to be alone?
The bathroom or France.

What makes someone a New Yorker?
Dare to live here, work hard, and follow your dreams!