Simon Rich Lives in a State of Unspeakable Fear

By
Photo: Adrian Kinloch

Name: Simon Rich
Job: Writer for Saturday Night Live and some other stuff.
Age: 24
Neighborhood: Brooklyn Heights


Who's your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Either my mom or José Reyes.

What's the best meal you've eaten in New York?
Some weird fish thing that my friend Monica made.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Experience terror.

When's the last time you drove a car?
If this is about the hit-and-run on Montague and Clinton on the 14th, I already told you people, I was watching TV with my roommate Clay.

When's bedtime?
It’s up to the ladies. Am I right, New York Magazine blog?

What's your favorite medication?
Penicillin. It’s saved over 200 million lives, including my own, like, three different times. It also saved my brother’s life one time. I don’t know why you’re even asking this question when the answer is so obviously penicillin.

What's the last thing you saw on Broadway?
God's prophet, King Elijah. I couldn't believe that he was just hanging out on a public street. The really crazy thing is that, two blocks later, I ran into God's other prophet, Cronos. What are the odds?

Times, Post, or Daily News?
For quality you can trust, choose the New York Times, America's paper of record. Subscribe now and save 50 percent on your first twelve weeks of home delivery.

Who is your mortal enemy?
Count Montero Donaldo.

What's your drink?
Dr. Lincoln’s Health Tonic, for my tired blood.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
I don’t like your tone, New York Magazine blog.

Would you still live here on a $35,000 salary?
Okay, okay, I get it! I’ll start giving money to panhandlers.

How often do you prepare your own meals?
Never, because my butler does it. You happy now, New York Magazine blog??

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
Is the new Time Squares the one that has fewer murders? I like the one where there are less people being murdered.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
$40,000. That's just ridiculous; no one needs to spend more than that on a haircut.

What's hanging above your sofa?
A Caleb Beyers original! Visit his Website.

What do you think of Donald Trump?
Why, did he say something about me?

What do you hate most about living in New York?
It’s a toss-up between overcrowding on the 6 train and the constant threat of murder.

Who should be the next president?
Monica! Thanks for that fish, Monica.

Where do you go to be alone?
Book signings!

What makes someone a New Yorker?
Living in a state of unspeakable fear, but wanting to live nowhere else.