Lobbyists from all kinds of business groups have been clamoring for a piece of the bailout action, and no wonder. The Times today introduces us to the Treasury's liaison to the business community, hunky 32-year-old Jeb Mason, "a lanky Texan in black cowboy boots" whose job it is to assess businesses' candidacy. "Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of good news for them individually,” Mason told the Times in what we fully imagined to be a honeyed drawl. But ostensibly, the sight of Jeb's chiseled features and creamy skin go a long way toward the healing process. Also, those perfect white teeth. And his flaxen hair, rumpled from his cowboy hat, and the smell he (probably) emanates, of freshly cut hay and Old Spice — it causes a flush to steal across the cheeks of even the coolest blue-staters. Sure, Jeb's résumé includes working as an aide to Karl Rove and in the Defense Department and "distributing information on Operation Enduring Freedom to congressional offices," according to Wikpedia. But look at those eyes. Swoon. We'd have to recommend the Obama administration keep this guy on staff, because he is clearly an asset. It would be "reaching across the aisle," you know? We'll reach. Reach with our hands.
Most Viewed Stories
Terry Richardson Shot Miley Cyrus for CANDY Magazine and It’s As NSFW As You’re Imagining
Why Leonardo DiCaprio’s Turn in The Revenant Will Be Hard to Beat at the Oscars
Creed is a Winner at the Box Office, and Also a Valuable Lesson
Prince Harry Falls Off A Horse While Playing Polo, Still Manages To Look Fantastic
The IUD: Can Birth Control Be Too Good?
Men’s and Women’s Brains Appear to Age Differently
Listen to Erykah Badu and Andre 3000’s Dreamy ‘Hello,’ Which Is a Dream Come True
Doctor Who Recap: Echoes of Death
Who the Jessica Jones Characters Are in the Comics and How They Connect to the Marvel Universe
20 Marvel ‘Firsts’ in Jessica Jones
Latest News from Daily IntelligencerWhat We Know About the Planned Parenthood Shooting
Law enforcement sources have now indicated the attack was politically motivated, though the shooter's mental health remains in question.Putin Imposes Sanctions on Turkey Over Downed Warplane
Meanwhile, the U.S. is calling for Turkish troops to seal much of the Syrian border in order to combat ISIS.Donald Trump Mocks a Reporter’s Disability, Says That He Didn’t
While defending his discredited claims about traitorous Muslims, Trump appeared to make fun of a reporter’s crippled arm.Ben Carson Will Spend His Black Friday With Syrian Refugees
To increase his foreign-policy acumen, Carson will visit a camp for Syrian refugees in northern Jordan.Turing Pharmaceuticals Was Actually Kidding About Reducing Price of Drug
Here's one thing your entire family can be outraged about this Thanksgiving.Obama Tells Americans to Chill Out and Enjoy Thanksgiving
Intelligence suggests that the only specific and credible threat facing the homeland is overeating.Walmart’s Black Friday Spies
Save money. Sneak better.Terrorism in the Age of Trump
What’s changed in the right-wing brain since 9/11.Military Releases 3,000-Page Explanation of Why Kunduz Hospital Was Bombed
It's just a case of operator error and instrument failure — not a war crime!De Blasio and Cuomo Are Super Thankful for Each Other This Year
The elected officials know that Thanksgiving is best celebrated by yelling about people you say you care about.
Is it fair to call Donald Trump a fascist just because he feels like one?Drunk Russian Sailor Crashes Massive Cargo Ship at Full Speed
The 7,000-ton ship was so badly damaged it had to be scrapped.Football Fan Gets Back at Cops Who Ejected Him From a Game by Sending Them Doughnuts
No one ever says that revenge tastes like coconut.Russia Readies Missile Systems in Syria But Does ‘Not Plan to Go to War With Turkey’
The tensions over the downed warplane continue.Trump Debuts First Recruit in His 2016 Clone Army
Trump fans aren't content to just vote for him anymore. Now they have to be him.5 Amazing Stats From the Warriors’ Historic 16-0 Start
It's the best start in NBA history.Ted Cruz and James Woods Spend 40 Minutes Talking About How Much They Love This Country
A reconstruction of a historic meeting of the minds.Is Ted Cruz the Candidate Who Can Beat Donald Trump?
He’s polling second in Iowa, so it’s his turn to be the GOP’s primary darling.Newborn Found in Nativity Scene at Queens Church
The healthy baby boy was found in the appropriately named Holy Child Jesus Church in Richmond Hill.Protests Erupt in Chicago Over Video of Cop Fatally Shooting Black Teen
Officer Jason Van Dyke was charged with murder on Tuesday.