J.Lo and Marc Anthony Will Duet, Then Divorce

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"They fuck you and fuck you and fuck you, and just when you think it's over, that's when the real fucking begins!"
Photo: Getty Images

Are you as cranky as we are to be back to work after immolating yourself in wine, breadstuffs and big-screen TV for five days? Well, J.Lo and Marc Anthony will do a bittersweet duet at his Valentine's Day Madison Square Garden show, then announce their divorce, people say. Does that weirdness distract you from your own grumpiness? Hillary Clinton returned a $2,300 contribution to her prez campaign from her Senate-successor wannabe, Caroline Kennedy, after Kennedy endorsed Obama. Condé Nast CEO Chuck Townsend flies on a company jet to his weekend home (which Condé says he sold this year) and has a full-time driver even though the company just told every magazine to cut budgets and payroll 5 percent. Martha Stewart ImClone guy Sam Waksal shaved nine months off his prison sentence by saying he had a drinking problem and completing a halfway-house program even though he said before that he drank only five glasses of wine a week.

George Clooney, Madonna, Charlie Sheen and so many other stars used to hang out at defunct East Side strip club Scores that a screenplay is being written about the place, and we must admit that sounds rather juicy. Diddy's offered the city $1 mil to paint the New Year's ball purple, like grapes, to go with his Ciroc vodka campaign (uh, yeah, Ciroc is made from grapes), but so far no go. Whitney Port is hardly ever in the Diane Von Furstenberg office for her "job" on the new Hills spinoff, The City, but the people who really do work there are being driven crazy by the MTV camera crews from the show. David Mamet was a total asshole back when he was teaching theater at NYU, an ex-student says. Cindy Adams, who's back from holiday shopping in London and Connecticut, has only nice good-bye things to say about Eartha Kitt, which makes sense, because only Eartha was fiercer than Cindy. Cin, has anyone ever called you fierce before? Let '09 be the year for that! Meanwhile, more-cuddly-than-fierce Liz Smith says that Sheila Weller, who wrote that Carly-Joni-Carole book, is writing a Michelle Obama bio.

Jamie Foxx ate at Sofrito for the third night in a row, then played conga drums with the house band. Chris Martin from Coldplay (who's also Gwyneth Paltrow's husband) says he never gets recognized, even by security at his own concert in London. Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady may now be engaged. Laura Bush's book deal is getting tepid interest because girlfriend's not willing to really open up. Angelina Jolie supposedly did something really brilliant to a reporter that even we media hags have to give her props for. Weeds teen hunk Hunter Parris is single, but be careful, he has fangs, as you can tell from the pic if you click through. But maybe you're into all that Twilight stuff. Lynne Cheney is writing a book on James Madison. Bobby Brown didn't do coke until he met Whitney Houston but also has a crooked mouth from a stroke from a heroin OD, says Bobby's biographer. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have supposedly gotten death threats from anti-Scientology kooks and have enlisted the FBI and ride in a bomb-proof vehicle.

Salma Hayek said she quit smoking but then was caught Doing That Nasty outside Neiman Marcus in Bev Hills with her mom and 1-year-old daughter. They weren't smoking too; they were just with her. But at least the American Lung Association doesn't blame Salma and other stars for teens who smoke. So go ahead, famous people, you may as well puff with impunity all through 2009. You're off the hook.