Lance Armstrong Is Preggers!

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Somewhat amazingly, the Noel Sisters were known as the Aspirina Girls in Brazil because they were always stealing everybody's boyfriends and causing headaches. Britney Spears should date Dr. Phil, and Dita Von Teese should date Salman Rushdie, according to some crackpot who used to date Rocco DiSpirito. Lance Armstrong, who was told he couldn't impregnate a woman naturally after his treatments for testicular cancer, knocked up his girlfriend Anna Hansen the old-fashioned way anyway. Wealthy writer Alexandra Penney isn't gaining any sympathy when she frets that Bernie Madoff's scheme is going to cost her a cottage in Palm Beach and a live-in maid. Bridget Moynahan awkwardly still has the same dentist as Tom Brady.

J.J. Abrams had some trouble filming at a hotel because of a strike. Keanu Reeves gave Kristin Scott Thomas and Peter Sarsgaard a standing ovation at their last performance of The Seagull on Broadway. Dude! Marisa Tomei has been making out with Logan Marshall-Green, of which we are totally jealous. Eagles linebacker Stewart Bradley wants to intern at Elle, because according to the show Stylista, literally everybody's doing it these days. Spike Lee is going to do a documentary about the little-known life of a basketball player named Michael Jordan. Brody Jenner got his Playmate girlfriend Cora Skinner a classy sapphire and diamond necklace, because, duh, you can't get her underwear. Silda Wall Spitzer was out on the town with a friend at La Goulou, presumably looking lovely and too good for her husband, as always. Heidi and Spencer from The Hills almost weren't allowed into Butter the other night.