Lily van der Woodsen, also known as Kelly Rutherford, has been re-impregnated by her hot German financier husband, Daniel Giersch. They already have a 2-year-old called Hermès, so they will need a matching name. But before we get distracted by that (Chanel? Ghetto. Thakoon? Too exotic. Manhattan Simba? Possibly), we need to address what’s really important, which is: What does this mean for Gossip Girl? We’d say ordinarily that they would just hide her bulge in blousy outfits, or film her from the waist up, or have her position her massive Kelly bag just so, or send her character to the Golden Door for a little relaxation. But Lily has been going through some dark stuff in the past few episodes, and now we’re wondering if, because of her pregnancy, they’re planning on doing something drastic.
Maybe Lily dies.
We know. But consider this: Last night when talking to Rufus, Lily was pitifully sad. “I didn’t think my life would turn out like this,” she says. We know that, like Eric, she’s been hospitalized for depression or suicide-attempting or possibly something worse. We know that in the next episode, Lily and Chuck get into a terrible fight where he says she “disgusts” him. We know that someone dies.
And we don’t know that it’s Bart. Sure, he was in an accident, but maybe he just lost control of his bladder and was dying of embarrassment. We posited that he would be the one to go, but really why? So that Lily and Rufus can finally live happily ever after? Because that would be convenient? We’re such rubes. This is the Greatest Show of Our Time, after all, not a Disney cartoon. Certainly, the writers are charting a more complex, more Borgesian voyage for us.
Further: Lest we forget, Lily is not in the pictures of the upcoming funeral scene, though her mother is. Would Cece really fly in for the death of her daughter’s fifth husband of like four months? And perhaps most tellingly, why would Rufus wear a large bulky pullover sweater, as he does in the trailer for the upcoming episode, unless he felt like he needed to be held?
Well. There. We think that about solves it. Also, the kid should be named Queens Bastian Balthazar Bux.