Madoff + Watermelons = WTF?

By
Photo: Everett Bogue; Photos: istockphoto, Ruby Washington/New York Times/Redux

Occasionally a press release slides across Daily Intel's transom that is so breathtakingly odd, so wrongheaded in its mission but so secure in its conviction that this product is perfect for Daily Intel readers, that we feel compelled to share it. Such is the one below, which takes the Bernie Madoff story as a jumping-off point to sell us … watermelons? Babies? We're not sure exactly. Peruse:


From: [Redacted]

To: intel

Subject: No more Madoff's!

Dear Jessica:



As much as we keep hearing about all of the Madoff's out there, and that this stressed economy is keeping people home from buying, I am finding a correlation between the kinds of merchandise people are buying for this holiday season in relatioinship to a proactiveness to specifically work against the mentoring of future Madoff's or robber barrons. The gifts being bought for kids in my store offer excitement, meaning, and an uplifting experience to both child and parent. The successful (most profitable and in demand) toys being sold offer a high play factor and appeal to kids while providing parents with a means in which to teach and/or emphasize to their children the social, global, and environmental responsibility people have to each other and the world - the lesson being "you see where raising kids who only care about money got us!' Today's parents are looking to do better. This is the reason I am selling out of product at The Wumbler Patch. We hit the "timing" nail on the head!

Oh? So what is the product? Baby's First Auditing Kit?

As the stage we set for the launching of The Wumbler Patch brand over the past year culminated into the launching of a new retail store designed with the look and feel of an actual watermelon patch, we've offered our customers (and their parents) a fun, inviting, and educational experience in a unique setting that allows our social, global, and educational in-store enrichment activities and programs to lead/support our retail program. The timeliness of this brand could not have been better. As a result, we have completely sold out of our Baby Wumblers, a $29.99 retail cost that we are taking $10.00 deposits on up front for Spring delivery (when the next crop finishes germinating and bursts from the oversees patch they are growing in). The cost of production of each Baby Wumbler to me is $5.00 so I am covering all costs to produce and ship each baby prior to placing the production order). When mom or dad places an order for a baby Wumbler, their adopting child receives a yellow ID ban that states "It's A Wumblerful World We Live In!" This ban signifies the adoption and impending birth and deliver of a baby Wumbler arrival for the adopting child. It also tells the world that this child was one of the lucky few to actually secure a baby Wumbler prior them arriving from the patch. Finally, it signifies the culmination of a very positive experience which imbibes a sense of optimism for our world and our future. No doubt, children are our greatest hope for permanent, positive change.



Needless to say, our strategy has been well documented and continues to offer us new opportunities to expand the brand even further. As you will already find a substantial amount of information on us, I have enclosed a few links from some of our most recent press. I've also enclosed an article that will be appearing in a parenting magazine in February. We also have placement on the front cover. What I have not said here, and you are literally one of the first to know because the meeting just happened yesterday, is that we were just approached by a major supermarket chain over the weekend who is so struck by what we are doing and is equally as supportive after having learned about us through their own customers, that they would like to spotlight us through a cross promotional campaign on both the local and national levels which will be fully funded by them including magazine, television commercials, vacation cruise give away, website linkage, etc. I'd be happy to fill you in more if you would like to learn more, including how we use technology to teach and unite kids which has won us multiple awards and seals including that from The National Parenting Center.



***Why the watermelon, you ask: Baby Wumblers are born from watermelon. We are also partnered with the National Watermelon Association of the US, www.nationalwatermelonassociation.com, where we help them teach nutrition to children across the country using our babies. Soon, you will also see an image of our babies bursting from watermelon on almost every watermelon box and bin that houses watermelon in supermarkets across the country along with our website address and the words "Caring for Watermelon, Wumblers, and Families!" We can discuss that further as well.



Right. Did you read to the end? We couldn't really grasp it. But we're still kind of curious and so anyone who can explain what this is to us in 50 words of less wins a copy of Celebutards by Andrea Peyser and Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel. Enlighten us at intel@nymag.com.