Seatless Subway Cars to Relieve All Human Covetousness, Spite, Competition

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After October, pumpkins are so out. Photo: Getty Images

Starting next spring the MTA will introduce a prototype subway line where four of ten cars have their seats locked upward during rush hour to pack in 18 percent more passengers. It hasn't yet revealed which line. Apparently they're already trying this in Boston. (Really? Like, only 50 people live there.) "I'm 86 years old," whined one rider. "What would happen to me if there are no seats?" It's simple, really. You enter an essay contest in which 100 lucky elderly, disabled, and pregnant people will qualify for a golden key to unlock a seat. Then you kill a witch, provide her broom as evidence, and they hand it over. You've already worked harder than that for a seat on the subway anyway, right? [WCBSTV.com]