For six years now, Aoki Lee and Ming Lee Simmons have been minding their own business. They sometimes have to pose for pictures in magazines, model kids’ clothes to the tune of dirty R&B, and appear every six months on runways scattered with denim and lamé at their mother’s fashion shows. They even inadvertently outlived the dog their mother may have loved better than them, and survived their parents’ much-publicized divorce. Because, let’s be honest, they are well-tended children and they will never want for anything in the hip-hop world.
But this, this is the ultimate indignity. Aoki and Ming’s mother is now pregnant with model-actor Djimon Hounsou’s baby. Not only do they have to occasionally see their soon-to-be stepfather’s prodigious junk on billboards, but they now will have to deal with its consequences for the rest of their lives. Little Aoki and Ming did not endure all of the humiliations (and velvet! and white gold!) of their childhood just to have the spotlight stolen from them. Something must be done about this! We suggest banishment of Djimon to an alternate desert universe where he is forced to roll around in a giant white hamster wheel with Antonio Sabato Jr. for all eternity. Not only is it a fitting punishment for this offense, but we truly believe it to be within those two little girls’ power to make it happen.