Martha Stewart Will Not Let Vicious Jail Lesbians Disrupt Her Workout Routine

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Obama makes a rare speech in New York, at Washington Square Park in September 2007. Photo: Getty Images

Remember how Martha Stewart emerged from jail in 2004 all slender and svelte? She lost ten pounds during her time out for insider trading and now we know why: She always worked out, her prison friend Lisa Guarino told the Enquirer, even when hordes of menacing lesbians threatened to disrupt her routine!

“Martha and I would do crunches at night. I would count in English and Martha would count in French.”



One visit to the recreation center nearly ended in tragedy when strong-willed Martha shot her mouth off, revealed Lisa. “We were going to the usual room we used and the lights were off, which was odd. Then I looked through the window and I could make out some lesbians having sex.



“I warned Martha not to go in there, but she said it was our time to exercise, swung open the door, turned on the light and said, ‘Chop! Chop! Ladies.’”



Oh, but then the angry lesbians threatened to kill her and she cowered like a wuss. Anyway, because this is the Enquirer, we'd normally take this report with a grain of salt, but somehow, "Martha would count in French" gives it an air of authenticity, n'cest pas?



Snitch Saved Martha Stewart in Prison [National Enquirer]